Parents Desperately Rationalize That “Every School is a Party School” While Moving Their Daughter Into Her Dorm


This fall semester, FSU welcomed a slew of distressed parents and their starry-eyed children to campus. Beyond the 5x5 foot shade provided by FSU-branded tailgate tents, the sun mercilessly beat down on students as they watched their parents’ marriage dissolve before their eyes as their “too old for this” fathers carried yet another West Elm bean bag upstairs in a fit of moving-based rage. This fall, however, certain families want the university to know that while their daughter is here, there will be no funny business.

“My husband and I read, and honestly, FSU isn’t even in the top five for party schools! Getting beaten out in butt-chugs-per-capita by the University of Wisconsin has got to mean something, right? Right?” said visibly alarmed full-time mother and part-time lover Jill Hutcherson. “We sent our daughter here to learn valuable life lessons. Someday, she’ll be in a real job with an open floor plan and Dell computers. She needs to know how to bullshit in a work environment while keeping up the facade of professionalism. We paid good money for those textbooks she’ll read once and then use as a TV stand; we want her to be surrounded by well-intentioned but ultimately corrupt honors students. Our daughter Taylor would never run with those fraternity rabble-rousers and hooligans!”

“The girlies and I and the seven guys that follow us everywhere go to Recess every Saturday and Sunday,” admitted the infamous Taylor “Keg Drainer” Hutcherson. “I love my family and all, but they gotta ‘smell the stale beer in the morning’ so to speak. That’s something my guy friends told me is actually, like, really funny. I appreciate my parents' concern, but let’s be frank. I could be at Berkeley or Brown, and I’d still be testing my body’s alcohol and pizza rolls limit. I don't care if the institution manufactures Pulitzer prize winners because every single one produces people with a bounty of pretentious academic jargon and a life-long dependence on Vicodin. But who throws the best and least supervised parties? That’s what matters! Bring on the poor decisions for instant gratification!”

The Hutcherson family has since left their daughter in the incapable, definitely unclean hands of FSU, but they know their daughter will ultimately be okay. Granted, she will become rapidly familiar with feigning sobriety in front of her RA and gain extensive knowledge about the uses of ibuprofen and Pedialyte. However, at the end of the day, nothing warms a mother’s heart quite like the inevitable property damage and public nudity fines that will be delivered alongside six weeks of dirty laundry when their daughter returns home this Thanksgiving. 

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