UF Able to Invent Gatorade, Unable to Bring an Umbrella to Graduation
Tragedy struck in Gainesville, Florida, this weekend as hundreds of $25,000 pieces of résumé-ready paper were destroyed in mere seconds - and this year, it was not by the ceremonial dumping of Gatorade onto the graduates. UF’s highly attended College of Liberal Arts and Sciences commencement ceremony was rained out, a dire turn of events for speakers asking for donations from students who had already forked over four years and countless loans for a chance to figure out: “What is the good life?” Faculty were soon meeting the fresh grads underneath the bleachers in order to culminate their entire college experience, rather than just some good ol’ smoochin’. But in their defense, who would’ve known that rain should be factored into plans for an outdoor event at a school that calls itself “The Swamp?”
“I’m no STEM major, but I could have told the administration that there was a big storm comin’. Then again, I majored in History and wasn’t a legacy admittance, so it’s not like I have rights in their eyes anyway,” noted Brielle Tanner, as she used her diploma to wring out her soaking wet hair. “I spent four years wearing the worst color combination known to man and paying for football tickets to watch our team lose in a stadium that couldn’t legally be built with today’s health and safety regulations. As if that wasn’t bad enough, they just let the skies open up onto my nana. No one wanted to see her compete in a wet t-shirt contest. Now I know why I drank so many vodka-Gatorades before every game. It wasn’t for school spirit - it was to forget.”
University of Florida President Kent Fuchs responded to the controversy in an impromptu but noticeably dry press conference Monday morning. “You guys think you’re upset? I wasn’t supposed to get this perm wet for 24 hours,” said Fuchs while adjusting his dry, warm, and cozy Gator-printed Snuggie. “As a university administrator, a notably down-to-earth bunch, at one of the most arrogant campuses in America, I understand what my little underlings are going through. But like most of life’s adversities, I’ll get over it, and so can you for as little as $20 a month as a bronze-level alumni donor.”
UF students should be glad to learn that the university has offered them xeroxed replacement diplomas and a voucher for 25% off at the iconic Gainesville staple, The Swamp Restaurant, and $10 in savings at the JCPenney of their choice. Even though they’ll never be able to relive the moment in which all of their hard work and dedication finally manifested into something real, at least Gator graduates can walk away from their college experience with a final tidbit of knowledge, free of charge: always remember your umbrella.