UF to Tear Down Only Decent Bar, Cementing MadSo’s Dominance


Gainesville’s rejoicing over their new Cheesecake Factory was cut short after news broke that the only thing the University of Florida has to offer, an off-campus bar and restaurant called The Swamp, would be torn down. In a move to ensure that the dry campus will continue to look and feel like one big AA meeting, this historic restaurant is set to be replaced by an over-priced, Tower-of-Terror-esque student housing complex. Luckily, FSU will continue to ensure not only that more of our students will graduate on time, but that they’ll be able to properly rage while they do it thanks to our very own holy grail, Madison Social.

“I’m still upset with a bartender there after he got me banned from The Swamp last semester because I threw up all over the floor. But without this place, I won’t have anywhere to projectile vomit mai tais during my senior bar crawl,” said Jennifer DiCamillo, a UF junior who has yet to make friends with someone who isn’t from her high school. “When UF made me take online classes through PaCE in order take my money while not reporting my scores, I still really thought they cared about me. It took pleading with state senators over a restaurant tto really open my eyes. We’re completely losing our culture of being assholes on game day and hugging that one giant alligator statue. At this point, we’re one Quiznos away from making Gainesville a half-filled strip mall where dreams go to die.”

“I’m guessing FSU’s 10,000 plus applicant lead over UF is because of our academics, positive campus culture, research opportunities and the fact that we don’t spit on the people we think won’t get in during our campus tours. But Madison Social’s surprisingly rigorous trivia nights, swanky t-shirts and rustic garage doors certainly don’t hurt,” said FSU Spokesperson Karen Evans. When asked if Madison Social would ever suffer the same fate as The Swamp, she responded, stating “FSU and Madison Social are like Osceola and Renegade; can you ever have one without the other? Madison Social turned the BLT sandwich into a dip; UF can’t even save a glorified vomit palace.”

When it comes to the folks down south, some things never change: gator orange makes everyone look like a jaundiced adult baby and even “The Simpsons” hates them. Now that Gainesville won’t have a single good college bar, we have a funny feeling that we will be seeing a few Gators at Madison Social from time to time. We can’t help but feel a little bit bad for UF students, but what did you expect after you had to take 90% of your freshman year classes online?

The Eggplant FSU