It’s Enrollment Season and Dating My Advisor Has Never Been So Useless

It seems that we students are constantly presented with the daunting task of deciding what classes to take next semester as we further ruin our lives. It's this sort of attitude that our beloved advisors, the patron saints of calculated yet somehow incorrect decisions, are supposed to work with. Upon arrival at the university, we were told that they're the mothers we never had and the teacher-student friendship trope we always deserved. But, in reality, they only add a 9:30 a.m. - 10:45 a.m. block of literal poo to our already putrid class schedule. Just when we think we’ve cracked the code to coaxing decent advice out of these mouth breathers by conveniently matching with them on Tinder after an advising appointment, we are still given a worse schedule than a transfer student picking classes four days before school officially starts.

“We started dating at the beginning of the spring semester two years back. That way, when enrollment season rolled around, I’d have Dr. Phil-level advice on what classes I should take,” said Creative Writing major Rachel Teigen while sitting in a science class that she just found out she didn't actually need in order to graduate. “I'm taking classes completely irrelevant to my actual major because I get no help from my advisor/girlfriend. On our dates, I have to wait until she’s not as stressed from her long day of telling students they need more math credits to ask what classes I should take, but that time is nonexistent. If you think your advisor cancels on you now, just wait until you want to take her to Red Lobster to get life advice.”

“Yes, I am dating a student, but I never let my job get in the way of our relationship. I'm practically paid to sit at a desk and point to numbers while saying ‘these are your credit hours,'" revealed advisor Dana Stein as she ignored a computer alert about a student walk-in request and a string of texts from her hubby on the verge of dropping out. “I, of course, want my younger partner to take the best classes for her schedule but I refuse to okay her request to take the Hunger Games course. I can tell from our role-playing in the bedroom, she knows enough trivia about the Everdeens as it is. As an advisor to my girlfriend, school-wise and sexually, I try to give her direction on her next schedule even while on our weekly dates, but I somehow always end up making her cry and question whether or not she needs a degree in history before the check comes.”

For those who are currently aboard the struggle bus that is class scheduling, dating your advisor probably isn't worth it since they'll give you a migraine both in and out of the office. If you do, just remember that they should definitely axe out that three-semester long language requirement for you. But also, remember that once senior spring comes around, your relationship is most definitely going to graduate

The Eggplant FSU