It’s the Spring Game and Somehow FSU Still Lost Against Themselves

In all senses of the phrase, Florida State’s football team played themselves once again in this weekend’s Spring Game. The scrimmage proved to be disastrous with the sudden onslaught of heat and humidity and a crowd turn-out less impressive than the number of people who showed up to 2017 Warchant (hint: it was canceled). Much like your freshman-year boyfriend, FSU continued to provide disappointing play after play, proving that even against themselves, they’ve got no game.

“I didn’t know which team to cheer for, which really stressed me out. I mean it already took me over halfway through the game to realize that the ‘Garnet’ and ‘Gold’ teams were just our own football team split up, middle school dodgeball-style,” said Gabriella Lang, who is definitely the kind of person that came to FSU with the sole purpose of partying but perpetually complains about how ‘toxic’ Tallahassee culture is. “I certainly wasn’t the only one confused as to what to do and when to cheer. The crowd just wound up spamming the war chant in response to every play and smiling and nodding every time the clock stopped.”

“A little known secret about the Spring Football game is that we do everything in our power to drag it out as long as possible. No one actually cares about how the game goes; they only care about how close to the performance time for Doak After Dark we can push it,” commented severely underqualified FSU football referee Bryan Dunnam while lounging in a bean bag on the sidelines without ever sparing a single glance at what was actually occurring on the field. “This year we gave each team ten extra timeouts per quarter. We could see the crowd considering rioting as the players used this time to flip the steaks they were grilling on the scorching metal benches, but luckily the fear of heat stroke kept them from exerting any physical strength, just like our players.”

To all of those who attended the 2019 Spring Game, we at The Eggplant FSU send you our deepest condolences. We could think of about twenty better things you could have spent your time doing: hammocking on Landis, bathing your dog or calling your mom for once (you know how she worries!). However, if you succeeded in staying through the entire game, that still isn’t an acceptable excuse as to why you missed happy hour on a Saturday.

Image Source: Logan Stanford/Icon Sportswire/AP