Man Becomes Professor After Turning In Mueller Report-Inspired Political Science Paper


As the semester comes to a close, the drudgery of the last few exams, projects and papers has begun to weigh down on a lot of students, especially in this political climate. In between classes and maintaining #relatable #impeachmentwatch hot takes on Twitter for their 64 followers, “politically engaged” students have their work cut out for them. Luckily, Robert Mueller’s investigative report on executive crime/modern art piece has provided inspiration - at least for political science students - for a final paper of massive legal proportions.

“Picture this: It’s 11:45 p.m. on a Sunday, my paper’s due at midnight, and I’ve just woken up from a post-Game of Thrones watch-party nap,” Nate Silver-fetishist Caleb Peters recalled while scrolling through the ‘Feel The Bern’ subreddit. “I was mulling over which character has the most Elizabeth Warren circa-2013 energy, which is definitely Arya, when I remembered my Comparative Government paper was due in 15 minutes. The prompt was about, like, crime or something, so I took to the most lawless hell-pit of the Internet: Twitter. By the third ‘Carrie Bradshaw outfits as pages in the Mueller Report’ tweet, a genius idea came to mind. If a ‘not guilty of treason (probably)’ verdict could be proven with a bunch of redacted pages, why couldn’t my thesis?”

“As soon as saw I Caleb’s, dare I say, revolutionary work, I knew I was out of a job. The third page was almost entirely redacted, save for the sentence ‘we live in a society’ in the very center of the page. Genius," said former political science professor Greg Sheldon while grading an excruciating batch of “How a Bill Becomes a Law” video essays in between packing his 17 copies of Michael Wolf’s “Fire and Fury” to make way for Dr. Peters. "Personally, I think it's a commentary on the illusion of the democratic process in the 21st century, but Caleb tells me it's up to the interpretation of the reader - as long as that particular sheeple is able to open its poor, proletariat eyes. I’m getting out of here so he can teach the students to like, question the man, man.”

In between reading five “Washington Post” article headlines every month, wearing business casual to class and their internship down at the capital, which they are contractually obligated to mention in every conversation, political science majors are holding the civic fabric of this campus together. It’s about time they get tenure; even if they are just riding the wave of American politics currently having more executive conflict and vulgarity than an entire season of “Veep.”

The Eggplant FSU