Friend Who Refused to Stop Wearing Jeans Feeling Really Vindicated by Recent Cold Snap

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Board shorts and midday benders have already made their appearances at numerous tiny apartment complex pools around town as the weather slowly crawls its way to the high 110s. But these past few weekends’ inclement weather events, which FSU Alert kindly pointed out was occurring in media res, brought with them the familiar high-pressure cold front, plunging the city into what felt like the yesteryears of  winter weather. For those hoping to hit up the beach, the sudden drop in temperature hit like a wrench to the face and also groin. But for one dedicated donner of denim, the chill in the air is nothing short of a blessing from above.

“I’ve been dreading breaking out the shorts for a couple of weeks now. I’m not about to expose my calves to sunlight just because it's 85 degrees outside,” explained self-described jeans aficionado Taylor Strauss as he gently folded one of his nine pairs of bootcut Wranglers to place in his drawer of magic. “They’re just the superior pant: durable, comfortable, stylish and they don’t show off my pasty white legs. I would wear jeans year-round if I could get away with it, but ever since I got a wicked taint rash from wearing them while walking to class in the summer, I’ve had to acquiesce. The denim lifestyle is about way more than staying warm; it’s about staying on top of the fashion game. But now they’ve all had to switch back to my side, so who’s laughing now?”

“It would be one thing if he just wore the jeans, but he won’t shut up about them,” pointed out Bethany Keel, one of Strauss’s friends, who had been begging him to give over to summer-appropriate clothing. “For the past month, it’s been nothing but: ‘can’t take the heat I see,’ or ‘how is your naked lower third doing, you dirty shorts-wearer?’ That last one’s not even creative. And now that we’ve all had to switch back to long pants for the week, he’s all: ‘Coming back over to the blue side, huh? You fools are loyal only to convenience.’ I swear to God, when it warms up again I’m going to strangle that fucker with a pair of size 8 Levi’s.”

Here in the ruthless swamp that is Florida, no one has time for aesthetic nonsense when the sun hangs so high and long in the sky. The days are only growing longer, the tempers shorter, and the brave, denimophilic style fiends continue to hold out against rising levels of back-knee sweat. Only time will tell how long their ‘beauty is pain’ mantras will last as the brutal heat is coupled with their friends’ fists against their smug little faces.  

The Eggplant FSU