Professor Buys Entire Class Weed Just in Time for Course Evaluations

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It’s that time of year! Your computer has crashed so many times that its like Y2K all over again, Canvas continues to collectively lose its shit and students are exercising their last shreds of freewill by roasting the living hell out of their professors through course evaluations. Most professors would rather just deceive you Elizabeth-Holmes-style into giving them a good review by assuring that the final will be “fair” and “nothing you haven’t seen before.” But one instructor is taking a different approach. Professor Channing has decided to buy his entire Intro to Religion class weed, though he insists that it is not just so his students like him more.

“I know I have taught my class literally nothing, and I followed my own syllabus less than Donald Trump follows the constitution, but I swear I didn’t buy my students weed just to guilt them into giving me good course evaluations,” said Channing while grinding up some bud on a pile of Blue Books when questioned about the ‘coincidental’ timing of his weed dealings. “I have spent the entire semester convincing my students that I don’t care what they think about me; I’ve sent condescending emails, talked about my 1.0 RateMyProfessor Rating like it was nothing and mentioned my goal of getting tenure every six seconds. I think it’s pretty obvious that I’m not concerned with how the kids like my teaching.”

Some students, however, have a different view of Professor Channing’s choice to buy the entire class pot before course evaluations. “His teaching was so bad that I was just going to write my entire evaluation using nothing but ‘Veep’ insults, but if he thinks that buying me weed will convince me to write a good review, then he is absolutely correct,” said freshman Religion student Savannah Waverly, who definitely smoked weed before and wants to make sure everyone knows it. “This man’s teaching was so bad that I still don’t know the difference between the Chick Fil-a cow and Jesus Christ, but I couldn’t care less because I’m about to get so high I’ll think I’m the Holy Spirit.”

Even though everyone wishes they could kick back and relax while smoking a blunt with their professors, it’s much more likely students will find themselves on the edge of a nervous breakdown thanks to the constant presence of course evaluations every time we so much as think of Canvas and the growing dread over the semester-long paper that doesn’t even have a topic yet. Amid the stress, don’t forget to fill out course evals before forgetting time exists thanks to a variety of substances reaching stoners everywhere this coming 4/20, and bonus points if you post them on RateMyProfessor for the rest of us.

The Eggplant FSU