Guy Who Was Bullied in High School Welcomes You to This Showing at the SLC


Artistic, Community-Building, Horny--these are only a handful of the many words that one can use to describe the daily happenings at FSU’s infamous Askew Student Life Center. While most view the SLC as that place they got to see a B-list movie a week early or peep some titties at Rocky Horror, the movie theater/gamer-den hybrid is a source of refuge for many, including its hoard of dedicated employees. Screeching about anime, refusing to stop talking about how hilarious The Room was, or miming sex acts between your Funko Pop figurines was more than enough to get the shit kicked out of you in high school, but at FSU, it will earn you the coveted title of “Alternative Film Committee Chair.”

“My mom’s been telling me quite literally since 1st grade that I might just need to wait until college to make any friends. Even at six, I was somehow too into Pokemon for my own good,” said self-proclaimed “Warlock of the Front Desk,” Alex Burns. “I started getting into film noir at twelve, and I think you can imagine how that went. I didn’t know enough people who smoked weed in middle school to start producing my own films, so I just put in my retainer, straightened the floral bucket hat I wore in a desperate attempt to look interesting and began my own blog: ‘Foreign Language Films That Me and Two Other People Have Watched.’ And we haven’t even gotten into my weeaboo phase,” said an exasperated Burns, preparing the mic to speak to tonight’s whopping twenty-four attendees.

“When I first started coming here, I wasn’t brave enough to venture from my PC,” uttered Kayla Shields, a timid ASLC goer with an impressively long sexual résumé. “Then I started talking to Alex, and after those magical five minutes in the bathroom on the weird downstairs floor that just has a singular office, we reached a level of intimacy that let me know this guy had been getting called a dweeb by even his grandma for all of his adolescent years,” said Shields, opening up her highly explicit Steve Rogers/Bucky Barnes Deviant Art account before being reeled back. “My man has trauma from his fourteenth year that may never be solved, but at least he got to be the executive producer on that vaguely erotic anime trailer mashup they showed before they screened that Studio Ghibli movie last month.”

For the late-spring moviegoers, be sure to clap extra hard for the unnecessary, awkward introduction of the film you reluctantly marked yourself as “Interested” in on Facebook before finally breaking down and attending when those plans to hit up Clyde’s on a Monday night fell through. While the ASLC employees may be “getting it in” on an exorbitant amount of surfaces around campus and refusing to stop talking about Mario Party for Switch, there is truly nothing better than seeing a lovable little nerd find a place to call home.

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The Eggplant FSU