Petitioners on Legacy Walk Only Want to Harass You to Sign Your Organs Away

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The walk from Woodward Garage to HCB has evolved from avoiding thot-hating bible thumper to dodging petitioners with clipboards asking people to sign a multicolored sheet with big buzzwords like "equity" and "I'm getting paid $15 an hour to bother you." As a result, it has become an Olympic sport to see how fast one can zoom through the brick-infested, third gate to hell known as Legacy Walk, or just taking the longest possible route around the Integration Statue to avoid them. It seems like no matter how loud your music is or how busy you pretend to be, they always seems to reel people into their spiel.

“I signed up to harass people after getting a sketchy message on Facebook from a bot account that shared a name and picture with one of my best friends. In order to collect my questionable prepaid credit cards, I just have to go up to strangers and say, 'Would you be interested in having your organs harvested?'” explained petitioner Raphael Bunker while attempting to stop a clearly distressed student just trying to have one good day. “All one has to do is check off a box that says ‘Allocation of First Person Consent Legislation and Involuntary Histocompatibility.’ Nobody needs to know what any of that means. It's not important at all, and there's no need to ask questions about why someone wants the liver you've already ruined from semester-long benders.”

“I might not know a lot about this medical mumbo jumbo, but I basically have an MD since I've seen every episode of Grey's Anatomy," said says first-year Political Science and self-proclaimed “nerd” Cory Beverly while pulling out a pocket "1001 ways to know your rights." "In Season 9, Episode 17, they mentioned something about needing to get tested for donor compatibility, and I don't think a 'check yes or no to sign your organs away' is the right way to do it. I’m not really sure these petitions are helping anyone based on the fact that there’s a petition from the Students for Energy Choices where they just make it incrementally cheaper for everyone who leaves their lights on in the residence halls every day. The electricity bill one is probably legit but not gonna lie it’s kind of genius to slide these small things in because no one actually cares enough to read it, so go off I guess.”

While these petitioners will most definitely continue badgering the general student body until someone accidentally donates their spleen to the black market, it's important to be conscious of who is receiving your personal information. Even if they have seemingly good intentions, nobody even bothers to read those long petitions before giving away their name, address and CVV. But one thing for certain is that you can trust The Eggplant FSU with critical information like your social security number, credit card information and the three-digit code on the back of it.

The Eggplant FSU