Engineering School Buys Up Entire Amazon Stock of Phone Belt-Holsters in Preparation for Class of 2019 Graduation

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As the semester slowly crawls its miserable way toward the promised land that is summer, FSU’s graduating class has been getting antsy to up and leave this brick jungle we call home. From the overachievers who have already been accepted into, like, nine grad schools to the aspiring Twitch streamer who’s only completing their poetry degree so their dad won’t yell at them, everyone is feeling more or less about the same: done. Many in the class of 2019 are, at least, in theory, ready to get out there and enter the workforce. None, however, are better at preparing their students for the world of labor than the FAMU-FSU College of Engineering, who are once again preparing to engage in their annual tradition of giving every graduating student their very own hip cell phone belt-holster, ensuring they're ready to take on the world of math or graphs or whatever engineers do.

“Engineers want nothing more than to be appreciated for the jobs that they do,” pointed out the Associate of Senior Affairs for the College, Fiona Uller, as she pulled a chain in her office which set off a Rube-Goldberg contraption to drop one of the faux leather holsters into her open hand. “These things perfectly get the message across to ‘step aside, I know what I’m doing; no, I’m not your creepy stepdad, I’m an engineer.’ Getting paid obscene amounts of money right out of school just doesn’t do it for us, you know? We want a little recognition for the things we do for society. This badge of honor is the way we distinguish ourselves as the motor that keeps civilization running. It' a privilege to hand these out at the end of every tour of duty - I mean, semester.”

“Yeah, I thought it was weird, but I wasn’t really going to question it,” reported Amazon worker Charlie Kolchyk, who fulfilled the College’s order of thousands of Amazon Essential’s Super-Cool-Totally-Not-Lame Cellphone Belts. “These things have been sitting on the warehouse shelves for like nine years. I’m pretty sure this is the same holster my dad bought in 2002, back when Otterbox wasn’t cashing in on these suckers for 50 bucks a pop. But you know what, I don’t get paid enough to figure out what they want with 2,600 phone holsters. They could be buying 2,600 metric tons of weapons-grade plutonium for all I care - which we do stock, by the way.”

Now that senioritis season is in full swing, the future of America’s industry holds on if for nothing else than to get their hands on these coveted clips while students in all other disciplines look on with jealousy and amazement at the pure, tantalizingly innovative energy exuded from engineers. As traditions go, this one is certainly a beloved one and will hopefully inspire many future generations to pick up those spanners and keep the gears of society turning, one loud, unnecessarily public phone call at a time.

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