Report: The Government *Could* Be Spying on You Through Your iClicker

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Odds are, a majority of students will be forced to purchase a glorious and incredibly used iClicker for attendance points during their time at Florida State University. With its plain, primarily white design, the device is truly a symbol of modern academia as we know it. However, some say the device may be doing more evil than just tanking quiz grades in every introductory course known to freshmen-kind. According to freshman Logan Davidson, there's been a growing suspicion regarding government access to the devices, and how that information might be being used to control our minds, infiltrate academic research or worst of all-- given to Mark Zuckerberg to create targeted ads based on device usage data.

“Maybe I’m not the best about showing up to lectures, and perhaps that might explain why my iClicker quiz average is a 67%. Who’s to say? How can we know these things for sure?” said Davidson, setting his Juul down to fish an equally toxic electronic device out of his pocket. “Ever since I started getting destroyed by basic reading comprehension questions in class, all my ads and search suggestions have been about ‘tutoring programs’ and ‘Quizlet.’ Plus, YouTube seems to really want me to watch all these inspirational TED talks about hard work and why Adderall isn’t the answer. If Edward Snowden had told me this was what the NSA was up to, I might have actually kept up with politics and news-y talk shows. This like directly affects me. Big data? That shit’s intense. My little data probably isn’t safe either.”

“We aren’t at liberty to provide any details in response to allegations of education data collection,” said low-level bureaucrat  ****** *****, who asked that their identity remain confidential. “Does a certain New York-based learning innovation company supply us with user-specific stats? Maybe. Does that same certain New York-based learning innovation company rhyme with...” ***** pauses to work out the phonetics, “...’shmi-shmicker’? It’s not impossible. Does Logan Davidson need to attempt to make an occasional appearance in General Physics A? Do his incredibly slow button-pressing reflexes make us pity his girlfriend? Has she been discussing her plans to break up with him a little too close to her own iClicker? Is he still not going to do the reading after failing every single quiz? The answer, as Logan often forgets, is most likely yes to all of the above.”

With spring break on the horizon and school-wide excitement for education at a semesterly low, an Orwellian rebrand to the formerly innocent iClickers could do dangerous things to overall attitudes towards The Attendance Grade™. It’s super cool right now to hate the system, but if anti-establishment, “wake up, sheeple” sentiments are able to make Baby Bio lectures even emptier than normal, who knows what further damage could be done.

The Eggplant FSU