Bees Zooted Off Campus’s Newest Flower Investments

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The change in seasons marks warm weather, that rash on your inner thighs coming back and the oncoming threat of nature’s most threatening pollinators. A crumb of FSU’s budget has clearly fallen into the hands of some ambitious gardeners, as campus’ blossoming flowers are attracting more bees than Recess attracts already wealthy couponers with  pre-banding deals. Floral enthusiasts have channeled every ounce of desperation oozing out from viewers of The Bachelor’s finale in their frantic attempt to be heard about their bee concerns. Despite watching a man hop over a fence in one fell swoop,  their complaints about the hard-assed insects are ironically centered around reports of the bees’ aggressive outbursts, rapid muscle growth and shrinking stingers.

“I didn’t know bees could be spiteful until I met these rascals. I tried sneaking up on them, but they ended up seizing me in an act of guerrilla warfare," said local pest exterminator and part-time corsage maker, Winnifred Poux, as she licked her sticky fingers while laughing at reports of her attempted bee extermination. While interviewing Poux only a couple yards away from her site of bee harassment, straggling bees were observed to be stumbling into anything loosely resembling a floral color. Poux offhandedly remarked, “Damn, those bees know how to paartyy!”

“It’s almost like, instead of making honey, they’re operating a meth lab? If this was the Bee Movie, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a bit of jazz thrown in there," commented Carmen Plais, who became an expert on drugs after watching three seasons of Breaking Bad on Hulu. Plais was particularly tiffed about an incident of her stumbling into a flower bed, do primarily to her new severely-platformed Fila sneakers. Upon landing in the plants, Plais recalled a swarm of bees yeeting pollen at her and maniacally jacking their stingers. “They didn’t have to be so creepy! I feel like, if you’re tripping, go off or whatever, but don’t make it weird!”

In retrospect, the interview with Carmen Plais probably shouldn’t have taken place next to a densely flowered bush. After giving her statement about desiring mass extinction of the entire bee species, she was aggressively swarmed and chased into the Westcott fountain. Regardless of where you stand on the bees’ newfound presence on campus, respecting their boundaries and offering them a Juul hit here and there would probably benefit your own un-stung body as well as the gorgeously blooming petunias.

The Eggplant FSU