Unite Party and Legacy Party Merge Together in Unprecedented Strategy of Confusion
In a turn of events that nobody expected, the Unite Party and Legacy Party activated their polymerization Yu-Gi-Oh! card to fuse together into a singular entity that holds a strong passion for graphic design, unique color combinations and avoiding the use of the word "amplify" at all costs. With a whopping three people you know turning out for last year’s elections, FSU’s campus is unsurprisingly on fire in the latest strategy to win the coveted positions of “people in charge of things." Lucky for the students of Florida State, the new-but-surely-unimproved Legnite Party (Legacy-Unite? United Legacy?) is here to confuse everyone an entire day before the actual election is held.
"After weeks of campaigning as separate organizations, our chairs thought that today would be the perfect time to join together. We're so random, we still can't believe we did that!" commented the new Campaign Chair, Clarissa "Full of Good Ideas" Shapiro, as she pulled the next joint campaign strategy out of a hat. “Unite candidates passing out Legacy condoms on Landis Green is almost weird enough to make you forget that campaign funds were used to purchase them. Win or lose, everyone will be united in a legacy protected from STDs and unplanned pregnancies until the cheap-o condom breaks and someone gets taken to student court again."
"First Bernie, and now this? Will we ever have a viable third party? I took Intro to Comparative Politics so I know all about the political strategy game, but I feel like this Dragon Ball Z-style fusion would have made more sense before campaign week even started," said freshman and normie Eddie Martman, who, ungrizzled by not being old enough to vote in the 2016 Presidential election, popped two (2) Advil to ease the migraine he got after painstakingly color-coding the flowchart he made to keep track of combined pseudo-policy points. "Just like my parents’ divorce as soon as I left home, it makes a lot of sense. They both wear long sleeve shirts in 75-degree weather and had presidential candidates from disbanded fraternities, so it's not a surprise to see why they're working together. They’re a match made in lets-scramble-for-a-majority heaven."
Regardless of how you feel about the election, remember that you only have two options: give the election to Amplify and let the voices of a Burning Spear echo-chamber hold a megaphone yet again or a newly merged gang of ragtag, uptight morally superior kids with no institutional backing; padding their resumes in their senior year to put a whole new meaning to "untapped potential.” Either way, after the election ends tomorrow, the student body can at least band together in collectively getting annoyed at the billions of Instagram stories leading up to Dance Marathon!
Editor's Note:
The election begins tomorrow at 8 a.m. and runs until 7 p.m. Please consider voting at: http://sga.fsu.edu/ to have your voice be heard.