“I Love Class Discussion, You Know?” Says Student Who Craves Attention


When staring into space in a lecture, there are many, many ways the class can go horribly wrong. Sometimes, your professor has the audacity to stand in a group of barely conscious people and talk about their depressing marital issues at eight in the morning. Maybe the teacher is particular to a fault but passes it off as being quirky. They might even eat puppies in their free time. Despite all of this, it goes without saying that incompetence, quirkiness or having a craving for furry friends is only second to the most inexcusable academic sin: mandatory class discussions and the jerks who thrive in them. These have long been the bane of Shy Kings and the jerk-off material for idiots and Business Management majors everywhere. Seriously, how many different adjectives can these people think of for “piggybacking off of that?”

“Do you people know how long I’ve been violently shaking while I waited to be called on? I was two minutes away from standing on my desk and screeching my commentary like a baboon!” cried Tristan Clawhite as he stood on his desk and bellowed like an orangutan to prove how, just like a primate, he is smarter than he seems. “I’m so glad someone finally called on me. I’ve never done the reading and know absolutely nothing about the subject, but God can I fake it as well as my ex-girlfriend could. I’m not even sure which class I’m in right now, but I like to think that’s what will make my perspective so fresh. Where would we be as a community if you all couldn’t hear my shockingly incorrect beliefs?”

“I didn’t realize I was opening the conversational equivalent of Pandora’s Box. I  called on Tristan, and next thing I know he’s monologuing about how the gender pay gap doesn’t exist and quoting Alex Jones,” reported Clawhite’s professor, Dr. Luzer, while counting down the days until his long-awaited retirement. “I have discussions like these so that every student can give their thoughts and opinions about the subject matter. The keyword is ‘every’ student. Not the three loudest ones or, God forbid, just Tristan. We cannot have a discussion if it is just him going on about the ‘villainy’ of the MeToo movement. Just say you’re sexist and sit your puny ass down already.”

After a full, unchecked hour and fifteen minutes, Tristan was finally silenced by an equally obnoxious counterpart. This unlikely hero and voice of the people, Frustrated Woke Girl Who’s Had Enough, has since liberated the masses and freed the class of Tristan’s tyranny. Unfortunately for the remainder of the student body, a countless number of students that weren’t told to shut up enough as kids will continue to roam the campus and continually offer to play Devil’s Advocate. Don’t even try to be nice to them. These types deserve to get bullied every once in a while. 

The Eggplant FSU