Marching Chiefs’ Thirst for Water During Noon Games Beaten out by Thirst for FSU's Football Players


The FSU Marching Chiefs are recognized worldwide for their suffocating jackets and goofy hats, but for true FSU football fans, it would not be an FSU football game without a kid in the drumline passing out after half time. However, one antidote to the horrendous game day conditions has proven itself useful time and time again: FSU’s fine-as-hell football team. As soon as the Marching Chiefs get a shot of some fine football-playing booties in those weird little pants, any concerns of passing out from dehydration are beaten out by the ever-growing risk of a mass swooning.

"They got one hell of a tight end—if you know what I mean. Yes, I mean their butts. You know, chiseled asses," said Samantha Bale, a first-year Chiefs Flute who still hasn't figured out which direction the players are supposed to run to score a touchdown. "My understanding of football consists of me crying my way through three continuous hours of performing the “War Chant” with sporadic football breaks just long enough for us to take another breath. It never occurred to me that people get what they're doing down there. I thought the fans were only in it for the eye candy and only actually cheered whenever someone had to bend over to pick up the ball." She then pulled out her flute and began to botch her way through a song from Hamilton to try to come off as ‘with it' and ‘relevant'.

"A trumpet player matched with one of the defensive backs on Tinder and it was all anyone could talk about for two weeks. Everyone was fighting for screenshots. I think most people were living vicariously through her, but they need to step back and remember that their real boyfriend actually needs them at his oboe recital next Tuesday," said BJ Harris, trying to compensate for his lifetime position as a sexual underdog by slowly stripping off his shirt and unfortunately revealing a humiliating farmers tan. "We’ve had to strip down in front of each other so much in-between performances that we’ve honestly just gotten desensitized. We need the football team jocks to keep us going. But that’s not to say we won’t stop sleeping with each other at troublingly high rates."

While some Chiefs certainly encourage inter-instrument dating, others fear that it's just a little too taboo for their taste. Pining after the football players may not be the healthiest solution to game day exhaustion, but it may just be the only way to convince anyone to attend a football game nowadays. And for a group of band nerds, it’s really no surprise that they can’t help being French horn-y. 

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The Eggplant FSU