Future Installment of Mad Max to Feature Woodward Garage

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If you've thought of parking literally anywhere on campus after 9 am, you must either hate yourself or are prepared to enter into a deathmatch with dozens of other drivers in any of the small, already filled parking garages. For anyone who has nerves of steel and the unmatched patience of several saints in post-apocalyptic fetish gear, they can face off in Tallahassee’s own Thunderdome: the infamous Woodward Parking Garage -- that is, if they’re willing to be cast as extras in director George Miller's newest project,  Mad Max: Wrath of Woodward.

The parking area, which is already filled with construction and the promise of a new Subway, is currently being overrun by the previous ruler of the Call Street Parking Garage, junior Alexa Monterrez, and their newly recruited gang of students skulking around with Vespas. "This is just us living our lives, honestly. We're all just a bunch of sadists majoring in destruction and taking up precious parking spaces," Monterrez replied after being asked about their interest in the film. "We like to park our Vespas against trucks to hide from hopeful drivers that just made the pilgrimage of shame all the way from the St. Augustine Garage." Their interest in this film was only punctuated by the extended honk of a car horn that screamed “YOU-ABSOLUTE-SHIT” in morse code.

The car, a Mini Cooper driven by Stephanie D’Alessandro, a haggard Environmental Sciences major, swerved into the same parking spot and halfway into another to assert her dominance over her fellow drivers. Upon parking, she rolled down her window and yelled “Witness me!” as she threw down an empty glass bottle of kombucha like a Whole Foods molotov, which sent glass scattering into the space around Monterrez’s Vespa. The yell was enough to send Monterrez running. As D’Alessandro left her car, she was quick to express her fondness for the movies. “I’d have gotten a tattoo of Tom Hardy on my neck if it wouldn’t have completely crushed my chances of getting a job anywhere that wasn’t some kitschy pop-up bar in LA.”

The Parking and Transportation Services have gotten into the spirit of the movie, strapping grill guards and construction shrapnel to their cars as a means to combat Monterrez’s Vespa gang and other apocalyptic student traffic crimes. Mad Max: Wrath of Woodward is set to begin filming in Fall 2020, to make perfect use of the projected obsession with the new Union and ensure that, even with construction done, you’re going to need more flaming guitars if you want to park on campus.

The Eggplant FSU