FSU Buries Dirt From Doak In Sod Cemetery, Proclaims "We Beat Ourselves In Our Own Game"
FSU's community found itself in shambles after yesterday's heartbreaking game, where we were not tragically beaten by a team with a mascot probably named after the Hokey Pokey, but by our own offensive players. The beginning of football season was supposed to ring in a new era where we reigned supreme with Willie Taggart as the head coach, but instead marked the epiphany that all we will ever be is a softball school. When realizing that he couldn't just repress the memory of failed comebacks and Virginia Tech players faking pinky toe injuries, John Thrasher made the executive decision to bury our own dirt in the Sod Cemetery as a symbol for the victory achieved against FSU, by FSU, for FSU.
"With a new coach, one of the most talented backfields in the nation and really cool player introductions on the Jumbotron, I thought this year was going to be different," commented transfer student Caleb Raskin, who recounted the eleven horror stories he heard about the previous coach, Jimbo Fisher, accidentally cursing our football streak by breaking a locker room mirror and forgetting to throw salt over his shoulder. "If I could half-drunkenly make it all the way from Heritage Grove to Doak, then we definitely could've made it to the end zone at least twice. I kept trying to tell myself that we're a 'comeback team' during every quarter, but we only came back to play ourselves."
"I couldn't sit idly by and act like we weren't completely demolished by a tech school that I never even heard of until game day," said President John Thrasher, who personally dug up the muddy dirt mixed with rain and fans' tears and shoved it into the ground. "I know the Cemetery is for the dirt of our enemies, but today proved that we are at war with our own football legacy. I mean, did you see number 69 Dickerson – who's name is completely real and not a joke – trip Francois? I guess he was determined to get his first big play of the season one way or another.”
To those who weren't already in the process of blacking out from tailgating, we definitely hope you blacked out during the game or forcefully made yourself forget what could have been the greatest comeback game of the season. The only thing we can say now is, "Help us, Willie Taggart, You're our only hope."