If Willie Taggart’s Pep Talk Is Anything Like My Spin Instructor’s, We’re Destined for Victory
Good morning to every frat boy who has risen from the dead after puking their brains out last night and is now officially ready to rally for today's game!
Today marks a historic day for FSU as our football team plays their first game with Willie Taggart as head coach. A win tonight against Virginia Tech would be the NCAA equivalent of conveniently running into your ex between classes, only to tell him it’s been over 138 days since your last UTI and you’ve just been offered a high-paying job in New York City. At this point, we can only speculate on how Taggart will compare to our previous redacted football father, J*mbo F*sher, who had forsaken our school's three kajillion dollar paychecks for the chance to say "y'all" and "yeehaw" whenever he wants. However, one thing is for certain: if Taggart gives a pep talk anything like Chloe P. at LoveCycle, then Virginia Tech doesn’t stand a chance of winning. Also,Deondre Francois might start saying positive affirmations to himself in the morning and buying flowers for himself at Trader Joe’s as a form of self-care.
Chloe P. always says to visualize what you want to manifest, so I implore all of you – for the sake of our lord and savior FSU football – to imagine the following scenario: Taggart walks into the locker room in a matching peach pink criss-cross sports bra and compression leggings. He adjusts his 2001 Britney Spears style microphone and yells, “How is everyone doing tonight?” until every football player yells back an uncomfortable “Wooooo!!” He then blasts “...Ready For It?” by Taylor Swift and asks everyone to begin tapping their butts back and forth on their seats. Finally, he launches into a monologue that begins with, “Ladies, I am so proud of you for showing up,” and ends with “You are all so beautiful, strong and most importantly… courageous. Now, I want you all to give yourselves a big hug. Now look at your neighbor and tell her she’s a queen goddess! TELL YOUR NEIGHBOR SHE IS SASHA FIERCE! TELL HER!”
Is it extreme to hope that this scenario comes to fruition? Of course. But Coach Taggart, if you’re reading this, this is unfortunately the only way to guarantee a victory tonight. Sure, you’ve been coaching football for nearly a decade now, but Chloe P. helped me reach my goal weight even after that week that Scott dumped me for my roommate and I ate so many red velvet Oreos that I blacked out. Plus, we both know how much peach pink would bring out that adorable dimple-y smile.
A friendly (and single) football loving, spin fanatic