Pow Wow Performer Revealed as Mark Zeigler After Search for Morally Sound Comedian Falls Short
With the start of football season reminding us that the only real worth this school has lies in our ability to toss around a giant Cadbury egg for four hours at a time, the hype surrounding FSU’s legendary event has begun to sweep through campus. After last year’s Warchant performer famously decided we no longer deserved a seat at her table, the search for someone free of controversy for Pow Wow has not exactly been a walk in the park for the Homecoming crew. After several comedians were ousted for inappropriate behavior, finding a comic with a clean rap sheet left few options for the event’s organizers. With only a month and half until the big day, the committee was forced to swallow their pride and choose one of FSU’s most clean-cut strongholds: the one and only Mark Zeigler.
"We were originally banking on someone that everyone who peaked in high school would enjoy but decided it was more important to choose a person without a change.org petition and Twitter hashtag started against them," commented Homecoming's 2018 Executive Director, Shayna Wren, right before performing an FBI-level background check on the new performer. "Zeigler was our best bet; everyone loves hearing him talk. We have no idea what his plan is – though we know it will involve lots of non-verbal modes of communication such as looking at the top of everyone’s heads to feign eye contact – but anything is better than having twelve students show up and hear Amy Schumer dry-heave into the microphone."
"My set is two hours long and all I plan to do is read off a list of every single student attending the event. If there's time left over, I may even bless everyone with the story about how a student’s speech got me into chia seeds and smoothies," said Zeigler as he vehemently tapped "allow push notifications" for any new updates to his 4.8-star rating on his "Rate My Professor" profile. "I'm always down for showing up to things around campus with the promise of free food and chance to earn more street cred with the student body. It’ll be a great way to get everyone to follow me on Twitter at 'fsuzeigler' for tweets about how much I love this darn school."
Although there won't be anyone making uncomfortable jokes with sock puppets that resemble John and Jean Thrasher, the Civic Center will definitely sell out with Zeigler at the helm. Although Hannibal Buress will be a tough act to follow, Zeigler is sure to kill with his ability to walk back and forth across the stage so as to engage the entire audience. After this performance and warm-up for Fall graduation, he'll definitely be receiving that hot, sexy chili pepper on Rate My Professor! Past students of his should be sure to prepare their best middle finger salutes for good luck as he goes on stage.