Seminole Dining Rebrands "Steak 'n Shake" As "Snake ’n Shake"
After FSU's Food and Drug Administration finally agreed to hear the cries of our hungry, tired student body, we will no longer be forced to chase down the infamous Stake n’ Shake food truck in hopes of munchin’ on some temperate hamburgers, strangely soft fries or even sip on the ghost of spoiled milkshakes’ past. With the announcement of an impending fully operational, stationary restaurant making its way to campus, enjoying late night shakes somewhere that isn’t nearly as freshmen-infested as The Den may become a reality… with a 40 minute wait time. However, one of Sodexo's own employees let it slip that this greasy, artery-clogging savior may not be just what students are expecting, but rather another failed "FSUnique" take on an already-decent food chain.
"It's definitely going to be the Community Table all over again. We figured that, just like Chili's, we should take something everyone loves and make it complete garbage," said one of Seminole Dining's managers, Ryan Mack, as he hung up a sign that read "Come 'slither' on down to Snake 'n Shake!" by the Integration Statue. "Just like our other ideas, we really thought a reptilian-themed restaurant would be cute and quirky. Snakeburgers won't sound or taste good, but students can get a combo meal for one VIP swipe!"
"This is a total iHOB move. How do we go from beef burgers to snake burgers, anyways?" said one of FSView's Food Critics, Heather Novak, who has a personal theory about the change in branding. "They're definitely trying to cash in on old memes and rebrand their popularity. Sodexo definitely doesn't have the balls to serve a 'snakeburger' and commit to the name. Although, we can't even lie. Calling their sides 'rattle-snacks' would be kind of cute. But I just hope this restaurant isn't run by lizard people.
With snake-related hostility on the rise, the possibility of being lied to about barely-salted shoestring fries, rubbery burgers and chicken nuggets was just too hot for some FSUPD officers. The department released a statement in regards to the restaurant's opening: “It is in NO way a front for a lizard people themed restaurant. It will be just as amazing as the Community Table.” Of course, this is exactly what a lizard person (the only type of person who could call Community Table amazing) would say. We’re not saying wake up, sheeple. We’re saying wake up, sneeple.