President Thrasher Now Wearing Cone Collar to Prevent Leg Chewing at Official Functions

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After a long Wednesday night of dreams about panda bear pillow fights, a woozy President John Thrasher awoke to find himself strapped to a garnet and gold chariot hastily pulled by a masked Renegade. Confused and frightened, he immediately employed a longtime coping mechanism: gnawing on his “itchy leg.” In what Mr. Thrasher would later describe as a “flurry of galloping terror,” the chariot halted, a gloved hand emerged and he mysteriously returned to his slumber.

“I was just chewing through my silk Spiderman pajamas, and the next thing I remember is waking up with this darn cone around my head,” said Mr. Thrasher while furiously pawing at the outside of his conical dungeon, which had been mistakenly filled with condoms upon entry into the Wildwood lobby. “Why doesn’t anyone want ‘lubricated grapefruit passion?’ And how do these veterinarians expect me to relieve my incessant leg itch? One nibble is never enough!”

Many in the President’s Office believe that the so-called “coning” was long overdue. Speaking on the condition of anonymity, six senior staffers described Mr. Thrasher’s apparent obsession with sniffing, biting and later licking his own left thigh. He has reportedly ordered his assistant to schedule daily “itchy time” sessions, which involve hours of chewing on himself, playing with his favorite ball and barking at every dog he sees on TV. At several official functions, he apparently angered donors by interrupting speeches to duck beneath the podium amid audible munching and growling.

“It was the right thing to do,” said Chief of Staff David Coburn. “We also considered explaining to him that he could just scratch using his fingers but ultimately determined that the danger of him discovering his hands was too great.” He continued, “Now we just need to get him to wear pants.”