Caveman Frat ‘Oonga Unga Oonga’ Suspended in 20,018 BC for Violating Fire Ban

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Even back in 20,018 BC, one of the biggest yabba dabba don'ts of Prehistoric Florida State University was going against the Inter-Fraternity Caveman Council's strict rules. When a brother of Tri-Tunga discovered fire and accidentally set ablaze every berry bush used for making cave-drawing ink, the IFCC acted quickly to ensure that members of ancient Greek life didn’t become pyromaniacs and stunt the growth of evolution. After confiscating all wooden clubs and  banning the use of fire at events for all sororities, fraternities and Recognized Cave Dweller Organizations (or RCDOs), top tier frat Oonga Unga Oonga was discovered violating certain stipulations of the ban by forcing pledges to quite literally roast each other.

"Grog is angry! Cavepeople are producing shows that make Greek life look bad on rock-TV like the Rolo's. All Grog and cavebros want to do is keep warm and flame broil the animals they hunted near the outskirts of Boneroad Square," yowled Oonga Unga Oonga's president Grog, who planned to retreat to his frat's grotto in Heritage Cave and make fun of pledges to feel good about himself. "Brotherhood is about lighting friends on fire and letting everyone know fraternity is above the rules. We participate in things like Grunt Marathon to trick people into thinking we are good Oongas. This way it comes as big shock when we are suspended."

"Ban necessary to keep everyone from hurting selves. One minute it's burning things to make it seem like volcano just erupted, the next it's hitting each other with clubs," commented Caveman Rights & Responsibilities conduct board member Geeg Troopi as she adjusted the bone tucked in her hair. "We held hearing to discuss sanctions but Oongas just kept grunting that we should be suspended instead. Now, Oonga isn't allowed back for the next 22,000 years. Last week, another frat got the club for having an underground raptor fighting ring. PFSU is trying to create a new norm and let cavepeople know we aren't joking."

Oonga Unga Oonga's suspension finally ends next semester— just in time for the single remaining descendant of the founding members to display model citizenship in a period where Greek life could potentially go extinct. Going along with this "new normal" also means looking back eons ago and figuring out how to reinvent the wheel. But for this ancient fraternity, their only present-day goal is to let everybody know that they're regular guys who enjoy being dudes.

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