Administration to Sidestep Controversy Over Racist Statue by Inventing Willy Wonka Backstory

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In recent days, the President’s Advisory Panel on Namings and Recognitions has encouraged input from the Florida State student body regarding the potential renaming or removal of several campus landmarks, including Francis Eppes Hall and the Francis Eppes statue, both of which honor a man who esteemed historians have classified as “an unparalleled dick.” However, there are ongoing efforts to sidestep the sincere reconciliation required after celebrating a person-owner who reinforced the institution of slavery by setting up night watches to arrest runaway slaves. In an effort to redeem themselves, administration has announced a groundbreaking plan to make the existing statue represent a more unifying figure: pretend the statue was actually the whimsical candy mogul Willy Wonka this whole time.

“I’ve been so busy, what with getting jiggy with it at Dance Marathon this past weekend and replacing all the liquor hidden in freshmen's dorm closets with LaCroix to see if they still act drunk. But I think this pretty much solves our problems. Not only is it the easiest way out for literally anyone in a position of power on the advisory board, but feedback at the town hall will help us know whether or not we should bother dealing with this head on,” said President Thrasher, who is already secretly regretting giving the student body another voice on this issue. “I think we’re just gonna give the statue a top hat and a cane and fill the Westcott Fountain with chocolate. I dunno. We'll just call the whole thing a centuries-old misunderstanding. When we made this unnecessary tribute, we were just using the only adult portrait of Eppes in existence and supplementing it with what those big-wigs in the 1850's looked like. Honestly, look in that statue’s lifeless eyes and try to tell me that he hasn’t gleefully watched a kid drown in chocolate river and then get sucked up into a tube.”

"I'm kind of bummed about tarnishing Eppes' clean image by dressing him like that dude who forced those tiny orange men into a lifetime of indentured, musical servitude," said public urination major Francis B. White, who was going Willy Wonkers over the statue to fuel his weird, roundabout interpretation of school pride. "I'm glad I still get to walk by the statue as I stumble back from hitting on freshman girls at Pots. On the way home, I always think about how the best course of action is to deny any type of self-reflection and stick to your guns. But man, it would be hilarious if we changed Eppes Hall into the garbage room with those squirrels.”

Despite the university’s attempt to appease the student body and settle a long-standing debt to Paramount Pictures incurred from the College of Entrepreneurship's insistence on renting the “Jackass” series every seven hours, there will be a town hall forum tomorrow from 2:00 to 4:00 pm in the Turnbull Center (Room 103). Students can yell at the Advisory Panel about how incapable they are of introspection or their love of recognizing problematic figures with methods that are decidedly more neutral than a shiny, bronze statue. There’s also an online feedback option for those of you who either “have class” or might be “too lazy to walk to the Turnbull Center." Regardless, we won’t judge. Just pick your poison and help us send this statue on a gondola ride straight to Hell.

The Eggplant FSU