In January, FSU appointed a new Dean of Freakshit in the wake of students criticizing campus activities for being exclusively for "normies and oldies." The previous Dean was James Grames, who eats oatmeal twice a day and checks the house to make sure his wife isn’t around before he turns on “Burn Notice.” Under his supervision last year, three Lumineers concerts, a chess tournament and a performance of “Fiddler on the Roof” where the fiddler never even gets on the roof failed to tantalize students. But after a hiring approval from the Dean of Big Pants, the new Dean of Freakshit Prosciutto Tromboni has announced the Seven Days of Bustin’ It Wide Open Nights Festival to remedy Grames’ boring ass reign.
“I won’t mince my words. This shit is gonna get weird,” said Tromboni, installing the laser lights in the eyes of a new DJ booth shaped like a big-breasted dragon. “I graduated summa cum laude from the Rick James University of Freakshit. My diploma is printed on a pair of edible panties and I would hang it in my office if the walls weren’t covered in writhing animatronic tongues. Anyways, I’m really psyched to be here considering I got fired from my last gig for trying to make toe sucking a one credit elective.”
The festival will kick off with a performance by a family of possums who play a drum machine. The trash babies will be brought into Ruby Diamond and given complete artistic freedom. While unpredictable, this show has been described as “better than my old roommates’ MIDI jam seshes.” After that, Redfoo of LMFAO fame will be performing “Party Rock Anthem” in whispers at the graveyard across from the Fine Arts Building. Tromboni has stated, “It doesn’t gotta be loud to be freaky,” in regards to this performance. Two days later, TUBA GHOST the haunted tuba will be playing original works in the bedrooms of all students currently enrolled. If you wish to opt out of this performance, you just have to submit a big fake check to the Dean of Freakshit that says, “I hate fun and I’m a big flavorless virgin,” with “vanilla ass coward” in the amount section.
The last day kicks off with a keynote presentation by a clone of Missy Elliott that’s traveled back in time from a dystopia where sex is illegal and everyone’s bones get stolen by the government. Finally, the festival will close out with a rave at the Dean of Freakshit’s house. This rave will go for three days and three nights, “just like Judas and the original sucklefucks used to do.” Tromboni has described it as an ice cream social except the ice cream is MDMA and the socializing is an overwhelmingly loud dance remix of the “Downton Abbey” theme song played on a loop for 72 hours.