In yesterday’s SGA election, the Unite Party, comprised exclusively of former hall monitors, achieved another victory in a decade-old conquest for authority that began with a neon-yellow sash. Those who bravely enforced a strict “no running” policy and tirelessly fought water fountain loitering have now been crowned the pretend rulers of students who aren’t yet convinced that scooters have a maximum capacity. But even as Florida State’s metaphorical halls of fake power fill with people who once patrolled actual halls wielding fake power, their playground rivals, John Walker and his band of tattletales, are charging up the big, yellow slide of justice.
“It’s been a long journey,” said President-elect Stacey Pierre of the Unite Party while issuing two demerits to a passerby in HCB without a hall pass. “Mrs. Diaz gave me my first big break as safety patrol co-captain in fourth grade. That was the gateway to door holder, line leader, spirit chief and, finally, the student body president of Florida State University. Without that first indulgence in meaningless prestige and, frankly, the thrill of wearing a seatbelt outside the car, my delicate ego would never have grown into the vortex of greatness you see today.” She added, “Back in the day, we’d sometimes be dispatched to chase down a tardy kid. So me and my hall squad would shout ‘Unite!’ and link arms to knock ‘em down. That’s actually how we named the party.”
Although their new positions are marginally more powerful than hall monitor, President-elect Pierre and her colleagues are still dogged by fierce tattling. Gleefully yelling “I’m gonna tell on you” before tugging on the sleeves of several nearby adults, independent candidate John Walker has brought the Unite Party to court over a series of student body statutes violated by the hall monitors during the campaign.
“Those dirty cheaters aren’t above school rules,” said an exasperated Walker while waiting to report seven documented counts of PDA to a professor. “They broke the rules, so I tattled to the student supervisor of elections. But they messed everything up by ‘misspeaking’ or something! Then I had to take my tattle battle all the way to the student supreme court!” He continued, “When I took the Oath of Tattle, I made a solemn promise to uphold even the pettiest of rules, especially when they benefit me. Rules are rules, gosh darn it! And in this case, if the rules are followed, I might get to be president!”
The verdict regarding the status of the Unite ticket is expected to be released tomorrow. In support of their case, the party has submitted into evidence several crayon drawings of safety patrol belts beneath the phrase “Kiss my sash!”