The newest flavor of the semester has finally hit the courts with people pretending to care about sports to appease their friends and giant cannons that instill fear in fans from a hundred yards away by spitting out "Hit This Ass With A 3-Pointer" shirts. While fans are cheering on FSU's basketball teams in really comfortable indoor seats at the Civic Center (take a hint, Doak), the thought of being bamboozled into buying tickets in exchange for a lifetime of financial insecurity is always resting at the back of their minds. To solidify their nonexistent status as the official Cool Kidz on campus, freshmen have begun scalping the digital slums of FSU Craigslist to make a quick buck from selling tickets they picked up for the good ol' price of free.
"My hobby is picking up tickets to games I know I'll never go to and then selling them by credit hour to help pay for cover to clubs and to continue fueling my addiction to eating Bento for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don't discount with Bright Futures, either," said certified cheapskate Richie Garnetbucks as he hit the diamond encrusted Juul purchased with some of the funds made from ticket sales. "My parents give me $200 a week but that's barely enough to scrape by even with my meal plan and housing completely paid for. Sometimes I even sell Facebook event invites to parties for eight dollars a pop and I don't hit accept on my friend's Uber requests."
"Just like Noah's Ark, these tickets boarded people's pockets two at a time. Except instead of a flood, it was hordes of scammers snatching tickets to make sure others drown in an ocean of debt. I tried to buy a ticket from someone but they said I can't even apply my financial aid," complained average basketball fan Penny Nickelson, whose phone makes a gulping noise every time he checks his depleting bank account. "Someone once charged me 3 credits for a single ticket so now I only go to Richie. He charges me 1-2 credits depending on the number of tickets I buy. But if it means spending an absurd amount of money for the opportunity to pregame for something, then I'm all for it."
For many, buying something for prices higher than $10 a gram has now become an unfortunate reality. The Class of 2021's reign of terror on the student body by gouging the shit out of ticket prices in exchange for Dance Marathon donations and grants from the Office of Financial Aid has been going on for far too long. But the real victims are students from out of state, who are surcharged an extra $505.55 to see a basketball in real life for the first time.