Two-Party Election Officially Revived With 'Graphic Design Is My Passion' Party
In the same style as a Super Smash Bros. game, a new challenger has entered the campus election armed and ready with Strozier's multimedia computers to beat down elbow rubbers, brown nosers and jacket chasers with a single cut and paste. Thanks to Powerpoint's unique word art, Microsoft Paint's shitty overlay options and a year long subscription to pimpmyclipart.com, this graphic design based organization plans to take FSU by storm. After drafting up a shoddily made love note during the brink of cuffing season, the Revive Party is here to let the Unite Party know that they no longer have to spend cold, lonely nights as the only party on campus anymore.
"We asked my 13 year old brother to manage our website so that he could practice his coding and photoshop skills for when he's a hit Minecrafter on YouTube. We pay him in Wendy's 4 for $4 meals and shirts from Walmart that say things like 'I do all my own stunts' and 'Rush Minions 2018,'" stated self-nominated president Jackson Artherton at his Market Wednesday booth, which was strategically hidden in the FSU College Republicans shadow. "Our entire platform is based on two phrases: 'coming soon’ and ‘not Unite.’ Just like the platform page on our website, we like to keep our promises as vague and empty as possible. All anyone needs to know about us can be found on our homepage where the only content is a Reagan reference.”
"It's going to be hard for us to compete with this new party's passion for graphic design and a platform that sounds like a 'live, laugh, love' motivational poster. Our only goal was to unite the campus with the same vague tactics and promises our predecessors had, but now we're gonna have to step up our game," commented one of the Unite Party's candidates for overtaking the Senate, Alice Waters, as she rolled through her rolodex of buzzwords to help motivate potential voters, including 'empower' and 'cultivate.' "We want to bring together all students — but mostly friends from our own inner circles. The only way we're going to win is with the same faces everybody recognizes."
In a game of Wix sites and meaningless platforms, FSU students are once again afforded the opportunity to vote for the lesser evil. While the Revive Party is clearly for random Republicans to jerk themselves off to Ronald Reagan's memory, their passion for graphic design can't be ignored. On the other hand, it's hard to turn a blind eye to the Adva- oh, sorry, Unite Party's fetish for the color blue and ability to cheat Turnitin's plagiarism checker. But to take a quote from that horrible era, we here at The Eggplant only have one thing to say toward both parties: "Mr. Thrasher, tear down those web domains!"