9 Shitty Things That Happened to Me This Semester

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In the spirit of giving this holiday season, I’ve decided to give everyone the greatest gift of all: the pleasure of hearing me complain. So many bad things happened this semester that it would take, well, a whole semester to go through them! To save some time let’s stick to the greatest hits that really sent me into some not-so-hot downward spirals. Without further ado, climb aboard the Oversharing on the Internet Express and take a ride down memory lane with nine of the shittiest things that happened to me this semester!

1.) Getting cyberbullied by someone while playing an online VR game at the Innovation Hub

I was so excited to try out virtual reality for the first time and apparently FSU pays for that to happen now for free, so it seemed like a win-win. I put on the mask and everything, not even afraid of getting pink eye, and was just chilling in the game lobby. I realized it was an online game because people were waving to me and talking to me and it was like I had friends! One of the players saw my gamer tag as FSU_HUB and started talking to me saying “FSU_HUB! FSU_HUB! I feel like I’ve seen you before. You on Reddit?” and when I told him that I absolutely do not go on Reddit, he said, “Oh, you don’t go on Reddit? That’s funny because you sound like a fucking virgin!”

2.) An Uber driver was picking out an episode of South Park to watch using a stylus while driving

I thought we were going to get in a car accident and the last thing I would see before I died would be Eric Cartman. Our driver was laughing out loud and just tapping away on her screen with that Nintendo DS Lite stylus to skip through the Youtube commercials. I gave her five stars and a tip anyway because I'm a millennial and I don't like to ruin peoples' lives for inconveniencing me.

3.) Missing Talloween to sit and watch BBC documentaries with my grandpa in the hospital

My mom told me it was vitally important that I come home and spend time with him, so instead of watching someone in a Minion costume throw a cup of Skol onto a fire pit, I sat with my grandpa and listened to him say things like “My god, what a beautiful duck!” It was kind of awesome if we’re being honest here. The circumstances were shitty, but god damn was it a beautiful duck.

4.) I went to a Whataburger

I actually went twice this semester. The first time I went was my first time ever going, so it felt like the end of an era when my life actually knew peace. The second time, I didn’t even get to eat anything because the worker told my friend and me that they were closing (in 35 minutes) and that we had to leave. It really doesn’t get any more rock bottom than that, especially when it's 3 a.m. and the only thing that could save us was an artery-clogging honey butter chicken biscuit.

5.) I fell off a tree swing while everyone watched and instead of helping me up they asked me if I had accepted their request to split the Uber

What more is there to say? I never went on tree swings as a kid, so I figured this was a perfect opportunity. Instead, I fell off right after the first swing and everyone just watched me plummet to my almost-death in slow motion onto the grass. I hadn’t even lifted my head up off the ground before someone yelled at me to get up and accept the split request. I declined because I wanted to use that money for Whataburger.

6.) I walked into a wall getting home, made microwave popcorn and fell asleep with all the lights on

It was right when I had moved into my new apartment and I didn’t have the depth of everything down pat yet. I turned down to go down the hallway just a second too soon and smacked my nose right into the goshdarn wall.

7.) My roommate made a cake and when I went to cut myself a slice the next morning there was a chunk of eggshell baked into it

I was so excited to have some fresh baked goods in the house like I was in Snow White or something. Looking for breakfast to eat at 1 p.m., I met eyes with the beautiful red velvet cake with cream cheese icing in my refrigerator and thought “Wow this is going to be a great day!” I took one big bite and immediately bit into something that crunched. Crunched. There was a quarter of an egg’s worth of eggshells in my cake. Apparently, that was the “lucky slice” because it had to end up somewhere, but I still tried to call the police.

8.) I spent close to $30 on frozen dumplings at Trader Joe’s a week before the hurricane hit and knocked out my power

My precious dumplings were left to thaw and sit unrefrigerated, but I refused to throw them away. Trader Joe’s is so far! It’s like all the way on Thomasville Road, it may as well be in Georgia. I was in denial about whether or not I could eat them and refused to let anyone throw them away for a week. I hardened my resolve and came to terms that I was willing to get violent food poisoning just out of spite for the hurricane, but one day I woke up and I saw my roommate loading them into a trash bag. I had to watch my frozen angels get flung into a dumpster. I think about them every day.

9.) Finding a colony of ants in my closet because they found an unwrapped lollipop I left in my purse

I was pissed at my apartment complex for a week and a half, dropping maintenance requests like nobody’s business. I was so afraid to see them in my closet that I didn’t go in there the whole time and just wore t-shirts in 60-degree weather. When I finally decided to stop living in fear, I discovered that, not unlike a toddler, I left unwrapped candy in my purse and the ants, being much smarter than I’ll ever be, found it. When I tried to get the candy out of my purse, they bit the shit out of my hands to the point where I had Band-Aid on every finger and palms for another week and a half.

The Eggplant FSU