Surprise! The Biggest Philanthropy on Campus is Literally Just a Cult

Despite students’ complaints of drowning in several thousands of dollars of loans, it’s that time of year again where everyone is barraged with messages to donate toward a philanthropy without literally any explanation other than that "it's for a good cause." For all anyone knows, those bold $3 FTK Venmo requests could be going toward someone's next Y-Bomb at The Strip. No matter which corner someone turns to on this godforsaken campus, a child’s heart wrenching statement is strategically memorized, ready to snatch your last shred of sympathy and the collective two nickels and three rusted bobby pins in the would-be coin section of your wallet.

“I really enjoy being a part of Dance Marathon. I met all of my friends here! Sure, we look like triplicates of one another and are all named Hailey or Gabby, but that doesn't really seem like an issue to me," said Morale Captain Hannah Walker while blocking the only entrance to Strozier Library until a student who just needed a cup of coffee and three uninterrupted study hours finally caved and donated to her “Give $2 or Make it $5!” campaign. “I remember my first meeting like it was yesterday: we all lined up in a 'circle of hope' and chanted 'FTK' over and over again to the rhythm of the rings of an ominous gong. I then signed my name in blood on a six-page contract and subsequently exchanged my soul for a DonorDrive page. After that, I woke up with an FTK tattoo on my wrist and a lifetime subscription to St. Jude’s Promise Magazine. I’m still not really sure how they pulled that off.”

“It's been three weeks and I haven’t been able to sleep. I thought I could be a good samaritan and donate to my best bud to avoid denting our friendship, but since then all of our mutual friends have been badgering me nonstop to Venmo each of them $5,” sighed sophomore Sean McLaughlin as he forked over his last $4.20 to Walker, who wouldn't stop screaming at him to look in his glove compartment for the other 80 cents.“ They travel in groups to instill the fear of donating into non-participants. You can spot them by their obnoxiously glittered fanny packs and neon colored 'Shmiracles Make Shmoney' shirts. If you can, put your headphones in, run and don’t make eye contact with them. They can literally sense the ample double digits in your checking account from a mile away. Their third eyes appear on their foreheads in the shape of that miracle balloon.”

Whether or not Dance Marathon is an actual cult is debatable, but you have to hand it to them: it takes a lot of energy to constantly badger people for pocket change. But anyway, while I have your attention, please consider donating to my Dance Marathon account. For just 68 cents a day, you will ensure that I can put off asking my dad’s company to donate two fat stacks of money that I’ll tell them they can write off as charitable donations later. This way, I get that sick navy blue Comma Club shirt.

Image Credit:

The Eggplant FSU