Deondre Francois Blames UF Loss on Being “Tired From Too Much Turkey”

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Over the past 48 hours, FSU's student body has experienced all five stages of grief over the end of our 2,191-day streak of never having lost to UF in the beautiful game of football. From the denial of arguing every single penalty to the acceptance that “at least we don’t live in a literal fucking swamp,” we’ve all handled the defeat in our own way. Some have decided it’s Willie Taggart’s fault for failing to completely rebuild the disaster Jimbo left us within his first season. Others have blamed the immature, foolish penalties taken by several Seminole players. But according to Starting Quarterback Deondre Francois, the blame falls entirely on the leftover Thanksgiving turkey sandwich he had eaten right before the game.

“Man, it hurts to be in this position,” reported a disappointed Francois in an exclusive interview after Saturday’s game, as he prepared to microwave yet another heaping pile of mashed potatoes. “There’s no other way to put it. I was just too sleepy. I thought I would be fine eating some leftovers before the game but the whole time I was just tired from too much turkey. I hope the Seminole community can forgive me for this hungry mistake. We just gotta play harder. Next time I’ll be sure to make it roast beef.”

“Yeah, there’s no way that’s what happened. Tryptophan, the molecule cited for turkey’s sedative properties, doesn’t actually have that effect on humans on its own,” explained FSU Biochemistry postdoc Mia Zarkov, as she opted for honey baked ham instead. “Turkey doesn’t contain the other precursors in high enough concentration to convert tryptophan into melatonin, which would cause drowsiness. So the whole myth of turkey knocking you out is just an old wives’ tale. It’s possible that Francois was just already tired to begin with… or the fact that the team tried to run non-passing plays on every third down. But I can say with confidence that his lame turkey excuse is not the real reason we aren't going to a bowl game for the first time in 36 years.”

Whatever the true cause of the monumental loss was, one thing is certain: it takes a true leader to take the fall like Francois. Whether or not the turkey sandwich really had an effect is beside the point at the end of such a painful weekend. As FSU fans our only hope to restore our honor is to support our team, continue making fun of UF, and make sure that next year’s roster keeps clear of poultry.

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