Local Braveheart Wearing Chubbies in 30 Degree Weather Has Actual Balls of Steel

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The weather outside is truly frightful, which means it’s that time of year when every 5-foot-7 guy on campus with an overly muscular neck and decked out muffler shows off his cojones-of-steel to the rest of us coddled pansies. If you’ve found yourself on campus any day this week, you probably know the exact shenanigans we’re talking about. That’s right: if it’s nearly below freezing and you’re not parading around your leg-day progress, you simply lack the stone-cold manhood of Chet Brooksworth, a local braveheart and self-described pioneer of sporting pastel khaki cutoffs while everyone else around him stares in awe.

“There’s something so freeing about walking through Landis Green with my head held high and the breeze blowing up my chubbies,” said Brooksworth while performing his daily routine of steaming his vast muscle tee collection. “Do you guys actually think this is winter? I grew up in Upstate New York, so I know a thing or two about experiencing something chillier than the gust of cold air coming out of your freezer. This is basically like beach weather to me. I won’t wear long pants unless I start seeing the warning signs of frostbite around my thighs. Ithaca isn’t for the weak-willed. Have I mentioned I’m from New York yet?”

Some people on campus held strong opinions on Brooksworth’s choice of attire. “I’m from Hollywood Beach, so the coldest I’ve ever been was when my dad accidentally left an industrial fan on for three days. He was trying to get rid of the smell of a dead possum in our front yard, but it was still pretty chilly nonetheless,” said FSU Senior Mandy Zelch, a South Florida native and a strong advocate for not freezing your ass in any type of climate. “Where I’m from, we have approximately three days a year to flex all of our winter attire from the hours of 8 a.m. to 11 a.m: gloves, scarves, parkas — you know, the works. I was excited to see the weather drop until I saw guys like Chet prancing around in booty shorts and doing push-ups on the cold pavement. We all know his pee pee has probably shrunk to the size of a thimble under those.”

Whether or not you enjoy exposing yourself to the harsh exhales of Mother Nature in your summer boating attire, we can all agree that the drop in temperature is a welcome start to the winter season that we Floridians rarely get to thrive in. Nevertheless, no one's body is strong enough to withstand the near-freezing temperatures consuming Tallahassee, so make sure you bundle up and hunker down because finals are just around the corner and nothing’s colder than the feeling of despair emanating from the number of tests you have to take.

The Eggplant FSU