Daily Bell Now Plays Annoying iOS Alarm in Effort to Get More Students to Go to Class

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We all know the obnoxious bell that plays three times a day, followed by slightly delayed rings from a nearby church. It was probably once enough to reinvigorate and encourage students out of their drunken slumbers and get them to hurry the hell up, but it's now definitely just white noise that helps everyone catch a couple of extra minutes of sleep. In order to more effectively get students to wake up, FSU Alerts has decided unilaterally to replace the regular shmegular bell chime with the most unpleasant noise to ever be developed: Apple’s very own classic alarm.

“Before the change in sounds, I thought the chimes were more like peaceful reminders that you’re stuck on campus for another three hours or a sample from an indie coffee shop's ambience playlist. Now with this new chime, my skin crawls because the jarring noise just cuts in the very depths of my soul,” said Josh Earring while speed walking to HCB in order to shield his freshman fetus ears from the barrage of sirens. “Whoever controls the emergency alert siren also seems to want us to suffer further by snoozing at least three times before they’re satisfied by the attendance rates. It’s almost like the 'Ghost of Snoozing's Past' is taunting me for all of the times I missed classed by snoozing my alarm fifteen times before inevitably just turning it off and waking up at noon.”

“Usually by this time in the semester, I have six overachievers, one guy in the wrong lecture and a single blue corn chip sitting in my class that nobody bothered to throw out,” reminisced Dr. Layte, a Professor for an 8 a.m. General Chemistry course, as he chucked his class roster into the garbage. “Most students just give up on coming to class and resort to Chegg for my WebAssigns because I started to do half of the lectures in my native Finnish just to see if anyone would finally ask a question when I called for questions. But, whatever, it’s at eight in the morning. I wouldn’t come either to a class I was spending a whopping $686 smackeroonies to be here. But ever since FSU Alerts started to blare the auditory equivalent of a six-car crash on the intersection of Tennessee and Stadium during rush hour, more students have been coming to HCB to take refuge from the noise. My attendance has never been better.”

Despite efforts to increase attendance by waging auditory warfare against the already sleep-deprived student body, it was altogether not that successful. In an unpredictable move, every person selling UF vs. FSU tickets on the "Class of" Facebook pages started their next scam by selling black market earplugs, making the effort completely null and void. By the time Thanksgiving break is over, most students are expected to be immune to this ungodly noise, as it's the same sound as their mom's ringtone and she doesn't know how to turn that shit down.

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