BREAKING: College Republicans Put the "Intolerant" in "Lactose Intolerant"
November 6th is approaching and everyone is on a yearly political high. If you haven't been drinking your alternative milk or carrying it around as a means to defend yourself whenever bigotry arises, the time to do so would definitely be now. Earlier this week, FSU's very own College Republicans proved themselves to be DEA-loving virgins once again by posting a video of a passerby disagreeing with them and sprinkling milk on their Vice-Membership Chair, who probably drinks milk before she puts on her police uniform and gets into arguments about whether or not people deserve to be treated like human beings.
"The statement we released earlier today doesn't mention this, but our panties are all in a twist because most of us are lactose intolerant if it's milk not processed by a laborer who was severely underpaid for their work," commented PR Incident Chair Jasmine Rivers, while forcing her dog into a DeSantis onesie, despite its pitiful whimpers for freedom. "We were a bit surprised when this communist chick came up to us demanding justice for even just one minority group, especially because it’s easy to forget the plights of the poor when I just got back from getting a deep tissue massage during a weekend trip to Canyon Ranch. We were planning on just calling her a 'leftie snowflake' and being done with it, but now we have to think critically about the destructive ramifications of our political stances, which is something we’ve never done before.”
“I really thought my 9:30 a.m. class was going to be the worst part of my morning, but that definitely changed when I saw an AR-15 flag waving proudly on a campus with a history of gun violence, just mere days after an instance of violent anti-Semitism with that same weapon,” noted Kacie Allen, a former Tumblr aesthetic blogger and self-identified democratic socialist, which is basically the Republican equivalent of Stalin. “I circled back around to see if I could get a video of a fist fight to post on Twitter, but all I saw was milk flying through the air. I really thought these pro-farm DeSantis fuckers would have been more than happy to get doused with the sweet, sweet nectar of mistreated animals, but I guess the incitor should have chanted 'FAKE NEWS' three times in front of a mirror if she wanted to have a conversation with America’s burgeoning overbearing PTA parents.”
In an unjust turn of retaliation, College Republicans banded together to ask all of their dads, who are district court judges, just so you know, to arrest the communist who used 2% to bring the 1% to their knees. She has now been dubbed by her many supporters as the “Lowfat Lionheart” who managed to make these losers not only cry but call the police over spilled milk. In a statement released by Florida State University, the college claimed to embrace the values of it’s diverse community, as long as that community only included cis hetero white men who buy into the capitalist patriarchal hegemony. The University also stated that they do "not tolerate any lunchroom food fight behavior."
EDITOR'S NOTE: To confirm, the video posted on Facebook is real and a student has been arrested for throwing milk on a member of the FSU GOP. However, neither the actions nor names of "Jasmine Rivers" and "Kacie Allen" are real in any way and should thus not be treated as authentic.
DISCLAIMER: The Eggplant FSU does not condone sexism, transphobia, homophobia, ableism or any other form of discriminatory “humor.” All stories, names, characters, events and incidents used in articles are fictitious unless noted otherwise. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred.