FSU Frat to Honor Veterans the Right Way With First Annual “Keg Stand for the Flag” Event
Veterans Day is more than an excuse to miss class and get absolutely plastered at 10 a.m. on a Monday – it’s also about honoring those that have served in the military in a tasteful and gratuitous way. One of FSU's very own fraternities, Mu Lambda Phi, understands the importance of paying the highest of respects to the Armed Forces and has decided to focus their philanthropic efforts into organizing a huge fundraiser dedicated to the cause. Clear up your schedules, folks, because the brothers of Mu Lam are throwing their very first annual “Keg Stand for the Flag” event, where nothing says “thank you” to the troops quite like chugging watered-down beer while suspended upside-down in American flag swim trunks.
“I think it's absolutely vital to ensure that we pay the utmost respect to our brave soldiers. That’s why Drick, our chapter's event coordinator, came up with this incredible idea,” said Mu Lamda Phi brother Briggs Dirkley while polishing his girlfriend's uncle’s Lambo that he borrowed for the weekend. “I heard someone call us insensitive and say that we were capitalizing off of veterans. I’m not entirely sure what 'capitalizing' means, but it’s pretty close to 'capitalism' so I’m like 90 percent sure that’s a good thing. Mu Lam loves the veterans, especially since they gave us a day off school to mesh binge drinking and muscle tees into our philanthropic duties. Not to mention that some of our coolest brothers have the American flag with a ‘blue lives matter’ stripe tattooed on their biceps, and people loved that shit on the Fourth of July. The photo ops on Veteran’s Day will even better."
Unsurprisingly, many people on campus were not pleased with the fraternity’s event. “They’re so tone deaf it’s actually kind of impressive. You’d think there would be a few different sets of eyes coming across this stuff before it gets approved,” said Jamie Plight, a member of the Greek Student Conduct Board who couldn’t believe her eyes when she came across a poster advertising the event with a photoshopped picture of Andrew Jackson doing a spread eagle over a keg. “I mean, what more can you expect from the same organization that thought a 'Karaoke for the Mute' fundraiser was a good idea last year? This isn’t exactly the cream of the crop we’re dealing with here. I'm about to suggest that every chapter create a 'Dumbass Protection Chair' position so future things like this can be looked at by someone with a quarter of common sense.”
While the ethics behind Mu Lam’s “Keg Stand for the Flag” event are certainly questionable, it’s no secret that Greek organizations on campus take their philanthropic missions very seriously. Even if boofing Natural Ice in the middle of Heritage Grove isn’t really your scene, we at The Eggplant sincerely wish you a safe and happy Veteran’s Day, whether that involves consuming alcohol in gravity-defying niche forms or not.