Osceola’s Flaming Spear Changed to Pool Noodle to Promote FSU’s Safe, Nonviolent Campus Environment

In recent years, FSU has climbed through the ranks to become one of the Top 25 Preeminent Baddies and now sits at an uncomfortable 26, right on the cusp of being memorable enough that it will no longer be mixed up with UF by anyone outside of Florida. To reach their next sexy number, the school has decided to change its name to "Florida Safe University" and create a focus on safety through initiatives that prevent major injuries caused by toe stubbing, tripping on curbs and accidentally walking directly into other people. In order to ensure a safe and secure environment despite all of the FSUAlerts talking about how much of a boo-boo ridden shithole Tallahassee is, the Division of Student Affairs has decided to swap Osceola's massive, flaming spear with a safe-but-squishy pool noodle.

“The pool noodle is a metaphor for discouraging violence. You shouldn't hit 'em with the spear – just hack their Snapchat account and talk shit about them behind their back like a normal person would," said the DSA's newest Program Coordinator, Viola Aarons, as she finished safety-proofing Doak Campbell Stadium. "If anyone is looking to help make us great using the most extreme caution available, the Safe Living University Team is looking for new members. We meet up at Westcott every other day to look into any reports from teary-eyed freshmen who fell off their high-rise beds or seniors that pulled a muscle in their Stretch and Relaxation class. Since we rendezvous at a fountain, I can’t guarantee you won’t get wet from the harsh backsplash, but safety procedures for that include wearing water shoes your mom bought you when you were five, bringing a poncho and using our FSU-branded umbrellas. We're ready to make it rain on these other preeminent schools."

“Back when I was a student in '84, I got almost got robbed while walking home to good ol' Salley Hall one night. All I did was scream 'I WILL EAT ALL OF YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS' and he started running," boasted Officer Charles Mason as he pepper sprayed a raccoon for coming too close to him. "Now, students in FIGs won’t even walk from one shared class to the next alone. Instead, they're holding onto each other for dear life with cutesy little monkey leash backpacks. The S.A.F.E. Bus used to force people in groups of 3 to walk home, but now they're willing to pick kids up by the 10s. Osceola never ran around wearing elbow pads and a pool noodle! Things were so wild, when Osceola’s spear slid into the field, the shaft flaming under his grip, that was a sight to behold!”

While all of these changes will not be fully implemented until next semester, don’t be surprised if you see soft corner protectors placed on the trim of desks in lecture halls and coated, thick cushiony layers of bubble wrap in stairwells some time soon. With so many upcoming safety features, FSU hopes no longer be remembered as "the school with the highest number of longboarding related accidents from kids who have never seen hills before’ and will now be seen as a school so safe that Renegade now no longer moves at a pace any faster than 4 mph.

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