Fraternity to Hand out Bibles on Halloween to Maintain Christian Persona

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The cold weather approaching marks the return of a period where your distant Aunt Gertrude swears that mildly cold temperatures mean that global warming is a bunch of liberal hullabaloo and when students realize that showing up to class is perhaps necessary to pass. It’s also that time when college kids dress up in strange costumes like "Sexy John Thrasher" and "My Hot English Professor from Freshman Year" for the sole excuse of blacking out on a regular ol' Wednesday. Rather than causing another PR-related nightmare with a cultural appropriation stunt, one IFC fraternity has decided to flip-flop on their age-old "Delta Delta Theta Drunk-o-Ween Extravaganza" and bring back the lord into godless students' lives by passing out King James bibles instead of drinks.

“Yeah man, Halloween is normally a great chance to  take a drink every time someone shows up to the house in 'Netflix and Chill' couples costumes, but we've decided that our chapter needs prayer to save everyone's GPAs and make it seem like we understand what a moral compass is,” boasts Brother Tomas Nale while using a book that reads “Are Faith-Based Fraternities Oppressed?” to crush the communion bread before snorting the body of Christ. “In order to get our chapter off the chopping block for our elephant walk allegations, we decided to do a complete 180 and revamp the structure of our organization. We changed our President's name to 'Pope,' made 'Father' the new title for New Member Educator and refer to pledges as 'Acolytes' now. We get everything in our bylaws from the Book of Dude-ronomy."

“I honestly thought that I was gonna go and get so wasted that I could count in colors since DDT was notorious for wicked bangers--but when I arrived to their house I was greeted with banner that read ‘No union? Come to Communion.’” says freshman Peter Jones while signing up for various rush events including “Contemporary Kumbaya” and “How to Get Away With Anything if You Say You Go to Church” to solidify his chances of being raptured. “The brothers at DDT definitely made me a believer and I can’t wait to be initiated next Easter. I think my grandmother might come back from the dead and tell me she won't see me in the coldest part of hell anymore for registering as a Republican and owning eight MAGA hats.”

Whatever the deal is for these disciples of the lord and their sudden switch to divine morals, their bid save the brotherhood from the revocation hammer ultimately failed. After kicking out a bunch of brothers under the claim of "Every one of you is the Judas to our Jesus," a caravan of angry families has begun to camp outside of their fraternity house to demand the second-coming of their sons' butt-chugging beer careers. Many moms are even threatening to "sue the hell out of them" — But hey, that’s just what they wanted, right?

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