Extra Homecoming Merchandise Becomes Tradable for Contraband on Black Market

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With Halloween right around the corner, many heathens around campus are beginning to feel the regret of spending an extra two dollars to upgrade a Grande to a Venti at Starbucks sink in. After trying and subsequently failing to implement IOU’s in exchange for Juul hits, party punch "BYOB" socialism and weed welfare to ensure their shenanigans continue for another weekend,  many began to realize that FSU's economy needed to be restructured. Luckily, the student body was able to have this need be met through the Homecoming Council and the security of “#fsuhc18” to facilitate their totally legal transactions. Now, everyone’s oversized Pow Wow shirts and limited edition hand-stitched baseball caps are worth more than the upcoming Clemson tickets.

“My scholarships are barely covering the cost of my breakfast bagel. I have to take what I can get out here. If I have to exchange a vinyl 'Homecoming Owns My Ass' sticker my product for a plate of crumbs, so be it,” explained sophomore Sam Shady, who spent $9 in GarnetBucks on a singular french fry at 1851. “People in this market are ready to lay down their lives for a shirt they'll only wear three times a year Do you know how many died fighting for a medium long sleeve? Do you know how many dealers we lost to the knock-off stores selling regular but still convincing garnet colored underwear? Probably no one, but people believe there have been deaths and that’s all that matters. Everyone loves doing something non-threatening while pretending it's risky. Tell everyone reading this that yes, I am the real Sam Shady and every other dealer is just imitating.”

“The market is being saturated with the same ill-fitting clothing. We need to diversify our trade if we are to stay afloat in this market,” shouted Toddathan Fox, business major and sore loser who didn't obtain a sick baseball hat with the Westcott fountain embroidered into it. “There were only like, five different articles of merchandise at Homecoming, including those strange festival bands that could only be taken off by amputating your entire arm. People really should not wear the same outfit three days in a row and believe no one will notice. We need to add more club or event-exclusive clothes to our black market. We need Dance Marathon shirts and Relay for Life jackets circulating Tallahassee’s underground!”

Projections indicate that profits will stagnate as October comes to a close, but estimates for the Spring semester have already begun as everyone enrolls in classes and pretends they know what they want to do with their lives. Several anticipate that drop out pledge gear will resurface  and overtake long sleeves and hoodies as the sun returns to bake us alive. Regardless, this new trend in business has no ending in sight and there are even plans to host an official "Black Market Wednesday" on Tuesdays.

The Eggplant FSU