S.A.F.E. Bus Drivers Exclusively Certified by Playing GTA V

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After learning about all the convenient transportation options on campus from your friendly neighborhood Orientation Leader, your mom is probably insisting you take the S.A.F.E. Connection Van (or, for you locals, the S.A.F.E. Bus) to get to Strozier for your late night study session at 1 a.m. on a regular ol’ Tuesday. She won’t just pay for your Uber like she used to do for your sister, so you have to make a phone call for the first time since 2006. However, you quickly realize, though, the only thing your S.A.F.E. bus driver has that even remotely resembles a license is a screenshot from the ending of GTA V after logging the 60 hours of playtime needed for this job.

“Listen, I’m only getting paid to take these kiddos from Point A to Point B. Nowhere in my contract does it say I can’t do donuts in the Psychology building driveway “2 Fast 2 Furious” style on the way,” commented one of the drivers, Kennard Bridges, as he made an aggressively sharp left turn across Landis Green, leaving only tire tracks and desolation in his wake. “My favorite part of the job is watching everyone fly around the van like ragdolls through my rearview mirror because we don't believe in seat belts, safety or the value of human life. I also get to drive around by using a Playstation 4 controller, which is definitely a mistake on FSU's part.”

“This semester has been kind of slow, so I’ve been riding around in this death wagon just to get that quick adrenaline hit. There’s just something about the thrill of catching two feet of air over the speed bumps on Academic Way that keeps me hitting up 644-SAFE,” said frequent rider Lyle Shaston as he managed to time his drop-off at Bryan Hall perfectly with a tuck-and-roll down Mt. Diffenbaugh. “One time when I was scamming a ride to The Strip by getting dropped off at DeGraff, my driver drove right through the Oglesby Union food court, hopped out to get a slice of pizza from Seminole Pies and then acted like he didn't just cause mass destruction and break several peoples' bones. There was another instance where he mashed a bunch of buttons on the steering wheel to use cheat codes; huge wads of cash and other items spawned inside the van. The laws of reality don't exist in here."

Even despite seeing a video of a van mowing down an unholy amount of students on Call Street last Wednesday, the student body is still convinced that, despite these drivers having five stars, seven police cars and three tanks chasing them, they’re a safer option than walking across campus at any time of night. Rockstar, the creator of the Grand Theft Auto Series, was so inspired by drivers’ lack of morality and passion for destruction that they plan to title their next game “Grand Theft Auto: Legacy Walk.”

The Eggplant FSU