Biggest Let Down of Fall 2018: Willie Taggart or Tennessee Street Target?


Spirits were high in late August as students filed back into Tallahassee with hopes of a winning football season and a luxurious new Target resting on top of the spot tons of Coliseum regulars have definitely thrown up on. To keep up with the fall tradition of kicking FSU while it's down, Taggart and his elite squad of football players lost by a point to a team that thinks the combination of orange and green is an acceptable choice for school colors. Unsurprisingly, students are now finding it extra difficult to celebrate the one sport we're no longer known for being good at when the Tennessee Street Target doesn't have enough items to constitute a retail-therapy induced shopping spree.

"After my boys and I caught Hand Foot and Mouth disease in Fall 2016, I thought I’d seen the worst that this hellscape of a city could do, but watching us lose after a 20-point lead to Miami is definitely worse,” noted senior Luke Harrison, who wiped a single, super-manly tear rolling down his face as he woefully prepared to throw away his beloved "Taggart Time" shirt. “I was expecting my last semester to be filled with victory beer chugs and finally feeling comfortable enough to try Target’s collection of man cardigans. At this rate, I’m going to fail all my classes on purpose and become a super senior just for the small chance of experiencing a good football season that doesn't make me want to impulse buy discounted shoes and eight cans of Market Pantry tomato soup."

“I'm not sure if Taggart does this for games, but I always come to Target with a well-formulated game plan and back-up scenarios for when things don't go my way,” said junior McKenleigh Green, whose life goal is to purchase a pair of "Wine Wednesday is Every Day for Me" socks at every Target in the contiguous United States. "But I can't even lie, when I saw how this love child of a CVS, Forever 21 and Busy Bee didn't even have one of those affordable restaurants where you can get a large drink, two hot dogs and a pool of grease for four dollars, I didn't know what to do with myself. This place is a speck of dust compared to the Apalachee Target.

If one were to ask the guy from high school who got denied from UF and never stopped talking about it, getting let down is nothing new for FSU students. Saturdays were meant to be filled with tailgates and Target runs, not tears and cart-induced traffic accidents as students try to navigate the two-feet wide aisles of disappointment. But don't worry, for not all is lost at FSU: there’s a new GreenWise Publix in College Town and it’s never too late for us to become a basketball school.

The Eggplant FSU