Transition From Blackboard to Canvas to Include ‘Stories’ Features

As FSU gears up to promote the official transition from Blackboard to Canvas in the coming semesters, university researchers have been working day in and day out to figure out how to improve student and faculty experiences on these equally shitty course management sites. Following numerous focus groups and controlled experiments, researchers threw out the results that suggested teachers just input grades in a timely manner, and instead seem to have asked a 13-year-old girl what she thinks would improve the site change. The answer? Add a ‘stories’ feature! Fucking duh!

“Snapchat pioneered a revolutionary concept. Instagram took that concept and ran with it. Admittedly, Facebook made a mistake and they should remove that feature. But posting stories on Canvas is exactly what students need to boost their morale when they find out they failed their Intro to Public Relations test!” claimed head researcher and social media mogul Sasha Foley, as she adjusted the saturation on a filter that removes your eyebrows and turns your tongue into a serpent. “Our research proved that 98% of the time a student logs on to Blackboard they are doing so to check their grades, which can be a huge bummer. The other 2% they’re just re-downloading a syllabus that’s already saved to their computer. But hopefully, Canvas stories will raise spirits during the former!”

Scheduled to officially transfer to Canvas in Spring of 2018, the beta version of Canvas stories is rumored to include geotags, photo editing and an option for you to alert your friends when your live reaction to a new grade posting has been added to your account. Creators have promised that the feature won’t further hinder the sites already terrible performance, and the ‘Question of the Day’ poll format on Blackboard will be replaced with its own story where students will submit answers via taking a screenshot.

“This is a garbage idea. I don’t use social media because I got so sick of having to tap through everyone’s Boomerangs on Instagram. How am I supposed to tap through Canvas stories when I can’t even get rid of the red notification bubbles on Blackboard?” questioned sophomore Lance Brass, who exclusively uses Blackboard to mass email his classes asking for alternative study guides to the ones his professors already posted. “Now I’ll never know what I got on that ENC1101 paper from Fall of 2015! My professor promised she would have them in by next Tuesday at the latest,” he added, making it clear he’s unaware of the blood oath taken by all English professors to only give you a final grade with no explanation of their grading scale or proof of the grade you earned for every assignment.