FSU Alert System Killed Your Dog but It Was Just a Malfunction! Calm Down!

FSU Alerts is back on its bullshit! Due to a “system malfunction,” or as we in the biz like to call it, “Ryan the intern sat on the big red button again,” strings of terrifying FSU Alerts were sent out last Thursday, causing panic across campus until the emergency claims were debunked, after a quick 15 minutes of wondering whether or not you should be tapping into a fight or flight response. Alerts warned students and staff about “hazard conditions,” a “dangerous situation” and most ominously “by the pricking of my thumb, something wicked this way comes.” Without apology, the FSU Alerts crew managed to sweep this incredibly triggering incident under the rug until last night, when another system malfunction sent one particular student into sheer panic after it murdered his dog... on accident!

“Those fuckin’ IT pricks better figure out what’s wrong with that system, STAT. My dog is DEAD. Who’s gonna lick the peanut butter off my fingers when I’m done making my lunch before class?” Said mourning parent Terrance Fern, whose dog was fed an entire chocolate cake like that scene from “Matilda” by a haunting FSU Alerts entity. “It just doesn’t make any sense. You’d think that a school where an actual shooting has taken place on campus would be more mindful of their alert system, making sure not to tap into students PTSD and dormant fears. Instead, they won’t even apologize after causing a university-wide pants-shitting, or for murdering my dog! RIP, Buddy!”

When he received a blocked call from the FSU robot alerting him that his dog was being fed a Duncan Hines Devil’s Food cake with whipped chocolate icing, Fern assumed the robot was mistaken and told her to “get a life, android.” However, upon returning home, Fern was greeted by the corpse of his beloved collie-mix and an email from FSU Alerts stating that the campus was all clear, and his previous alerts were cause by a mere glitch in the codes just as the ones from last week.

“No need to worry now! We’ve sorted everything out and we’ll only be sending out emails and texts when there’s a REAL emergency,” claimed the director and coordinator of the FSU Alert system, Dudley Dowrong. Seemingly unphased by the insane events caused by his poorly trained artificial intelligence bots and refusing to apologize for any mishappenings as a result, Dowrong added, “Stop being a bunch of babies! We got it all sorted out and we told y’all it was just a mistake! So what if that kid’s dog is dead? I didn’t kill it! My bots are like those freaccs in ‘Westworld!’ They wouldn’t hurt a fly.” Dowrong then proceeded to lean against a fire alarm, set off the overhead sprinklers and blame it on an unplugged coffee maker, writing it off as an “internal server error.”

The Eggplant FSU