FSU has moved away from the barbaric pencil-to-scantron method used to gather valuable student suggestions that are to be immediately discarded, taking teacher evaluation forms entirely digital. The new technology will ensure that every time a student hurriedly logs on to Blackboard to submit an assignment at 11:59 PM, they are reminded to complain about how cold the Psychology building is and to mention that their literature professor should keep wearing his hair like that, because damn! Luckily, less eager students have been saved time and time again by the courteous “Do It Later” button that can be indefinitely selected until the end of the semester. Due to the widespread popularity of this button, FSU officials have added even more procrastination options for putting off evaluations until the next dreaded log in.
“I logged on to Blackboard in a panic to see if it’s too late to drop my 1000 level astronomy class because I found out the final is cumulative,” freshman Luke Sanders reported, still out of breath from the endeavor. “I was NOT in the mood to do the evaluations, so I instinctively went for the ‘Do It Later’ button, but I noticed something was different.” Sanders then chugged down an entire Monster and crushed it on his forehead to gain the strength to finish his story. He went on, “That’s when I realized there was a button for my exact scenario. I clicked the ‘Going to fail. Leave me and my family alone’ option. Then, I was free!”
While Sanders’ story is one of triumph, junior Francesca Lakes found herself in a more difficult situation regarding the new procrastination options. “I was logging on to check for the twelfth time if my professor would upload an extra credit assignment. Next thing I knew, I had to decide between the ‘’emergency diarrhea,’ ‘hamster just died’ and ‘I am trash’ options to get out of the evaluation forms. I didn’t want to outright admit that I was trash, so I just swallowed my pride and opted for the hamster one. Funny enough, my hamster died right after that, AND I got diarrhea! Our academic overlords work in mysterious ways.”
FSU Blackboard staffer Paige Undermaintenance admitted that FSU isn’t selflessly giving students these great procrastination options - there’s something in it for the university. “For every click on a ‘Do It Later’ option, 10¢ is donated back to FSU to fund its plans to destroy three more freshmen dorms and four parking garages to make room for an even more massive, electricity-sucking Jimbotron,” Undermaintenance shared. “And it’s working. We’ve hit a record low, receiving only two evaluation forms so far.” Jimbo himself was overheard monitoring the responses, whispering, “Come on, baby, papa needs a new self-indulgent scoreboard!”