President Thrasher Sends Entire Student Body Email Asking Where to Find Weed
Today is 4/20, a date which holds particular significance to your friend who went on that 311 cruise and still watches South Park. President John Thrasher had a stressful week dealing with a collective cloud of anxiety produced by an FSU system malfunction and a conference call with Supreme Leader Snoke. After the week he’s had, he thought he would indulge in the tradition of smoking weed all day, watching cartoons and just chilling the fuck out. With all his hookups dry, he grabbed his laptop and utilized the power granted to him by Microsoft Outlook to send an email blast to the entire student body hoping they could help him out:
Thrasher organized a thinly veiled attempt to find a hookup last week and called it a “thrash mob,” asking students nervously to “torch the green” by standing around in the shape of a torch while he scampered around whispering to students about ‘pusherboys.’ After this method proved unsuccessful, President Thrasher walked around his ice cream social in a hoodie asking kids in cut off shorts and tie-dye shirts where he could “cop some goofygrass.”
"He came up to us in sunglasses and a sweaty sports polo,” said Thomas Gordon, who was slurping down his third cup of ice cream at the social. “He saw my Chance the Rapper shirt and started asking me where the ‘nuggyboys’ are, the ‘dudes who speak to trees.’ When I told him I stopped smoking weed in high school he just made a loud grunt and rode away all wobbly on a longboard.”
President Thrasher agreed to speak to us about the results of the hunt, as long as we concealed his identity and made him sound really cool. So for this last bit, he will be referred to as “Anakin Hypewalker.” Hypewalker explained, “I was ready to give up after 9 hours of punks sending me nothing but JPEGs of rosemary sprigs. Then, out of nowhere, I got a call in my office from a student named Quinoa Miller who wanted to meet up. I met him behind Poor Paul’s and he sold me some big ole’ nugs in a purple Ziploc baggy with Dragonball Z stickers on it. I was like, aw hell yeah, and handed him 8 big coins from my pouch. Oh yeah, I’ve been trying out this pirate money thing so the narcs can’t find me. Anyway, I gave him a diploma right then and there. We exchanged numbers and made plans to watch Rick & Morty next week. Then I went home and got absolutely fuckin’ blointed.” President “Anakin Hypewalker” then extended a shaky fist and demanded we knuck if we buck.