Following the season premiere of a beyond trash television reality show documenting the exploits of privilege left unchecked, President Thrasher announced that the student body has clearly learned its lesson on the dangers of reckless drinking and toxic social behaviors and that all Greek life has been re-established on campus, effective immediately. The move comes shortly after FSU’s already-battered reputation was further denigrated by allegations of animal abuse at the hands of some of its football players, but Thrasher is confident that the fifteen-minute supercut of dudes with Gold’s Gym memberships fighting in public over beer pong will be more than enough to fully restore FSU’s once great reputation.
“Words can’t describe how ashamed I’ve been of our great university over the past several months,” said President Thrasher, as he balanced atop a ladder to replace the Greek letters torn off all the fraternity houses in Heritage by VP of Student Affairs Amy Hecht last week. “But once I saw a video of members of our student body lamenting about ‘having to fuck ugly girls’ and using gendered slurs in order to get YouTube views, I realized that I’d been blinded by my own hubris. In one fell swoop, my concerns about university students abusing alcohol and failing to respect one another vanished, and now I think it’s time that those who I most misunderstood should get their frats back.”
Members of the student body were also moved by the debut episode of “Neighbors & Friends.” “At first I was really sad about the Greek ban, but then I decided that just like with gun control, the only solution to deadly alcohol consumption is more alcohol consumption,” said junior Olo Kacie, who you know loves Malibu! “I realized that all we needed to create that ‘new normal’ that President Thrasher kept talking about was to have a deeply-ingrained belief that everyone wants to know exactly how shitty I treat my friends and avoid introspection of my own by abusing alcohol and projecting my insecurities for the world to see. After all, college isn’t about ‘finding yourself,’ it’s about drinking yourself into a blind anger while encouraging others to do the same! Florida State is safe again, and we have the Olos to thank.”
Despite Thrasher’s decision to reinstate Greek life, he stresses that he wants to see continued progress in order to reaffirm the admirable values of Florida State University to the public at large. “In the weeks since I first called this ban, I was hoping that our student body would take seriously the administration’s directive to start valuing each other’s well-being over social capital. The Olos have taken a huge step in the right direction and I’m confident our student body will follow suit, and for these brave men and women throwing up in restaurants and glorifying a weekly club event literally called ‘Mandatory Makeout Monday,’ we’re eternally thankful. But until the Olos become the new face of the university through continued promotion of the best minds that FSU has to offer, we’ll continue to lag behind our rivals in Gainesville.”
Image Source: Instagram / neighborsnfriends