With a mere two and a half weeks remaining in the semester, students across campus have begun attempting to calculate their final grade for all of their classes. As any responsible administration would, Florida State has vowed to make efforts not to change the unhealthy culture surrounding finals week, but to just do a bunch of stuff that shows how relatable they are and how they understand the #studentstruggle, including hosting a 24/7 marathon of ‘A Beautiful Mind’ on Blackboard. “I get it, y’all,” remarked Dean of College of Communication & Information, Larry “Hip With The Kids” Dennis, while doing Tech Deck tricks across his desk and rubbing Fun Dip powder onto his gums. “Caffeine all the time, anybody got some addy? Ugh, finals! I hope I get the A! Isn’t it so funny that we just put up the math movies on Blackboard? Ugh, Blackboard and chill, duders! Right on!”
Just like Dean Dennis except not even remotely close, real students continue to navigate a society that emphasizes grades over mental and physical well-being by buying Expo markers in bulk, finding as many blank windows as possible and Beautiful Mind-ing the shit out of their final grades and potential GPA outcomes.
“It’s a science… and a math, I guess,” said sophomore Tom Winderbeau, creating a formula to determine how many of his teacher’s jokes he’ll have to laugh at to secure an A in his geology class. “I’ve been here for 9 hours now. There’s got to be a way. I can fix my entire semester in two weeks. This is fine. Okay, five jokes over the square root of how many time I went to happy hour instead of class equals...”