Student Concludes Suspension for Cheating Better Than Asking Professor's Name During Midterm


Sophomore Blake Cortez has been suspended from FSU on cheating accusations after asking his neighbor what his professor’s name was in the middle of a midterm exam. Cortez has evaluated the consequences - a ruined academic honor track record that will undoubtedly prevent him from earning a degree to start a career and support a family - and has decided that looking on to a classmate’s top portion of their scantron to copy down “Earl Watson” was definitely better than admitting to the whole lecture hall that he still doesn’t know his ECO 2000 professor’s name halfway through the semester. “The embarrassment I felt as I was called out for cheating by my TA in a silent lecture hall doesn’t even come close to the embarrassment I would have felt raising my hand and getting a question answered that would’ve helped out at least half the class wondering the same exact thing,” admitted Cortez, in the midst of the 50 or so trips it took to bring the contents of his dorm room down to his car in a small cardboard box. “Looking back, Professor Watson’s name was written on the board the whole time, but I honestly thought that even glancing up for a second would blow my cover.”

Cortez wasn’t the only student to be removed from the exam for cheating. His former ECO 2000 classmate, James King, sighed, “At least he made it all the way up to the actual test portion. I dug my phone out to quickly peek at the syllabus and was asked to leave before the test was even handed out. Still worth it though, I’d rather be branded a cheater than that kid who raised his hand to ask a question during an exam!”

“He forgot my name? That’s what caused all of this?” laughed Professor Watson, who hasn’t committed even one student’s name to memory since he started teaching thirty years ago. “Aw man, that’s too bad. I couldn’t care less if any of these people know my name, so long as they know that the answer to fixing our economy is not putting a pumpkin pie with multiple failed business ventures who wants to fuck his own daughter in the oval office.”