"Bernie Still In It" Says Local Progressive Who Also Believes in Santa Claus


Despite major losses on Super Tuesday and a general underperformance throughout the primary season thus far, one FSU student and member of the Progress Coalition has stated she believes Bernie can still win the primary. This student, Alex Parker, also happens to believe that mythic gift-giver Santa Claus is, in fact, a corporeal being who lives at the North Pole. “True progressives must continue the good fight against that evil corporate she-beast Hillary Clinton and lizard overlord Donald Trump,” said Parker, going about her life as if elves actually spent a year making toys for good little boys and girls. “Take Rudolph for example. When all the other reindeer said he had no chance of making Santa’s sleigh team, he just persevered, and just look where he is today!”

Parker’s little brother, Jamie, knows that not only is Santa Claus nothing more than a figurehead for God and ruthless consumerism, but also that Parker is delusional. “You really need to prioritize your battles, and clearly the priority here is making sure Alex stops believing in an old white man who is almost too good to be true,” explained Jamie while recreating Santa’s footsteps through Alex’s living room with baby powder and oversized boots. “You can’t just make these promises, Bernie! How’re you going to pay for it? Ha! Got ‘em!”

Unfortunately, despite the levels of hope present in the ‘Bernie Sanders’ Dank Meme Stash’ Facebook group, chances of a nomination are starting to look grim. As the polls on Tuesday came to a close throughout the mostly Republican states, Social Justice Zaddy Bernie Sanders, much like Asher Roth, was only successful among the white college-aged demographic. In fact, rumor has it Senator Sanders will be using a remix of an Asher Roth single, entitled “I Love (Free) College,” as his walk-on music.