Student Finally Feels Safe Going Back on Facebook With the End of Dance Marathon


February 28th marks the day that sophomore Shane Bennett feels sorta OK again logging onto Facebook for the first time in a few months after the shitstorm that is Dance Marathon hype time. In fear of being accosted by a promotional post, Bennett shut himself away from Facebook civilization to avoid any possible confrontation asking for a donation, or even worse-- a vote to suggest he supports a student political party that sounds like a male enhancement ointment. Although he only reports seeing one bribe- Rebecca Long asking for a donation in exchange for posting her “SUPER EMBARRASSING” modeling photos for her 2,781 Facebook friends to see, he still logged in to find an unsightly aftermath of privileged white girls posing with prayer hands and angel emojis, thrilled to have done their one charitable act for their undergraduate career, FTK.

Bennett hoped and prayed these were just isolated instances after getting through his newsfeed for a solid minute with no related posts, but alas a shared inspirational Dance Marathon video made by the organization featuring a beautiful 7 year old miracle child in a CMN hospital surfaced. Said CMN child Sadie Williams- “I didn't really ask for any of this. I just want to not have a terminal illness,” Sadie confirmed while providing voice over for a video of 1,800 college students in tutus banging gongs and throwing up sorority hand signs that resemble vaginas too closely for comfort. Bennett then promptly logged out and decided he was really a Twitter guy afterall.