Student Puts Study Guide Up For Sale Like The Capitalist Pig He Is


Late Wednesday afternoon, business major Zebediah Prettypenny created a study guide for the upcoming exam in his economics class, only to put it up for sale. Fellow students received e-mails advertising the sale of the study guides for ‘five easy payments of $19.99.’ “My father is an oil tycoon and the new oil is education,” Prettypenny said, fixing his monocle and riding his hoverboard. “To be clear, I’m not talking about increasing teacher salaries; I’m talking about paying nerds like Brian Flores to create comprehensive study guides and then selling them back for thrice the price.” Other students in Prettypenny’s class are less than pleased. “We’ve got goddamn Yung Rockefeller over here dramatically inflating the price of something every student in this class needs. Who has that kind of money?” said student Kathryn Ramirez, while looking up her horoscope, hoping this week will bring her good test scores as well as good vibes. “I mean, sure, Professor Griffin’s exams are the hardest on campus and several people have dropped the class in anticipation already and the Griffin promised there wouldn’t be a curve… wait, how much was it again?”

Late Thursday night, the eve of the test, when the anxieties of the students were at their fever pitch, a surprising event occurred. “I was checking my e-mail, hoping and praying that the test would be cancelled or that the professor got hit by a car or something, but I got something way better,” said student Lucas Cardona, clearly high on a mix of Adderall and Monster energy drinks. “It was Prettypenny’s study guide. The entire file. Sent to me and the rest of the other class. I almost shit myself, and not because of the dangerous amounts of black coffee I’ve been ingesting. The e-mail contained all fifty pages of the study guide along with the phrase ‘The Gentle Student Shall No Longer Suffer #feelthebern.’”

Upon hearing this news, Prettypenny snapped his pipe in half with his teeth in shock. “I cannot believe the nerve of these of these criminals!” Prettypenny exclaimed, fixing his fifteen thousand-dollar suit and tipping his butler a penny. “How dare these filthy plebeians ruin my lucrative business venture! I would’ve gotten away with it too if it weren’t for these stupid kids and their pesky democratic socialism!”